99 Point 9 Percent Guaranteed
by xxtarragonxx
Summary: Naruto is the only one left with her kitty ears and tail in her entire senior class, so now there are many people after her virginity! -AU- -Fem!Naru- -High School Fic-
1. That Other Fraction Of A Percent

99

**99.9 Percent Guaranteed**

**By: xxtarragonxx**

**Warnings: Innocent!Naru, ManyPeople!Naru, Fem!Naru, cussing, inappropriate humor and actions. Possible character bashing. YAOI AND POSSIBLY YURI! OOC-NESS!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or Loveless. **

**AN: I feel SO horrible right now, 'cause I'm starting a new story, oh well, this story is a high school story that I will write when I have writer's block on my other stories. **

**So, in this story you have neko ears and a tail and when you lose your virginity they disappear. I know someone (Kativa-chan) already has used this idea (combining the idea of kitty ears and tail with an AU Naruto fan fic), but my story will be different, I promise. **

**Hello, my name is line, I separate the story. **

**Naruto's POV**

High school. Only two words to summon that place up.

Total hell.

Oh sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, I'm Uzumaki Naruto, age 17, female. Anyway, as I was saying, high school is total hell.

Well probably only for me. You see, right now about all of the guys (98) in the school are after my ass, you know why? Because I have my ears and tail still. You might think right about now, "Oh that's no big deal!" or, "Who doesn't want to get chased by hot guys?", or even, "Don't give up your innocence too soon Naru-chan!" (Iruka), but anyway let me lay down the basics of virginity loss for you in high school.

One, Freshman, about 1/10 should have their tails and ears gone.

Two, Sophmores, about 1/3 should have the ears and tails gone.

Three, Juniors, about 8/10 should have their virginity gone.

Four, Seniors, ALL should have their tails and ears taken.

These statistics are 99.9 percent guaranteed to be correct.

That 0.1 percent, well that's yours truly. I'm a senior, with her ears and tail. And somehow that makes me more…appealing to the public. But did you know that it wasn't always like this, it's just that someone (you bastard Kiba I shall always hate you for that) pointed out that the person who took my virginity would have like a trophy or something, because they had landed the hardest person to get in the school.

Oh my, what's that look you're giving me? Seriously, I'm not ugly. I play hard to get. I'm petite (NOT SHORT) with a height of 5' 3", I have a slim figure, I'm normally 'developed' (not like Sakura, seriously how did they get so BIG in such a SHORT amount if time?), I have three whisker marks on each cheeks, I have golden blond hair, tan skin, cerulean eyes, and my tail and ears are both a vibrant red-orange with white tips.

See? I'm not ugly. Definitely not, I just refuse to go on a date with a guy, or any guy…at all…OH GOD! Am I homosexual? Think, Naruto, think, have you ever checked out a chick? No. Have you ever felt attracted to a girl? No. Have you ever had inappropriate thoughts about a girl? No, wait does having a thought about stabbing them repeatedly count? Okay, then that identity crisis is over…so I guess I'm just waiting for mister right.

Oh shit, I can't stand the dirty prying eyes all over me as I walk down the hall, they're just all perverts. Damn pervs. Damn porn. Damn JIRAIYA. Wait, how did Jiraiya get dragged into this? Oh yeah, he writes the porn and sells it to perverts.

**-Narrator's POV-**

**Hello, my name is line, I separate the story. **

The small blond was suddenly slammed into a wall, she felt a tongue licking and nibbling on her ear. She then heard a husky whisper, "You look delectable today Naru-chan." Naruto narrowed her eyes, there was only one bastard who was bold and had a big enough ego to do that…Uchiha.

She shoved Sasuke back; if she was going to lose her virginity to anyone in this school it certainly wasn't going to be him! "Back off bastard!" She hissed at Sasuke. Her tail had puffed up in annoyance at recognition of the person.

Sasuke Uchiha was the school's heart throb, and the school's biggest player. He lost his virginity at 13 when he just decided to drag a random popular girl into the closet and fuck her senseless. The girl didn't press charges, but begged for more instead. Sasuke never remembered the girl's name and never talked to her again.

Naruto gritted her teeth, that girl, who had lost her pride and was branded a whore by her classmates, was one of her best friends, Ino.

**-Flashback-**

_A fourteen-year old Naruto walked down the halls and saw a girl with no ears or tail crying in a corner. Curiosity getting the best of her, she approached the girl and asked in a lulling voice, "Are you okay?" The girl shook her head and cried harder. Naruto placed a hand on the girl's shoulder, however the girl pulled back harshly, "GO AWAY! YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN WITH THE SCHOOL SLUT!!" Naruto raised a thin, golden eyebrow, "So you're Ino? I'm Naruto, the girl that could care less about what other people call you because I know it isn't true, pleased to meet you." _

_Ino's eyes sparkled with hope, "You don't care about your reputation? I mean even my best friend Sakura doesn't like me anymore…" Naruto snorted, "Like I have a reputation, and if this 'Sakura' person you speak of left you for that, she isn't a friend and she doesn't deserve a nice person like you." _

_Ino smiled widely and threw her arms around Naruto in a hug. Someone accepted her! She smiled; maybe the other people didn't matter. _

**Hello, my name is line, I separate the story. **

Naruto stormed off away from Sasuke, there was absolutely no way she was going to use another word on him! He quickly entered her homeroom class and settled down, at least she didn't have Uchiha until Chemistry.

Sasuke gritted his teeth as he watched Naruto walk away from him; this was not going as planned! He stalked off towards his own homeroom with a deep scowl on his face.

Naruto sighed at her desk; her homeroom teacher was late…AGAIN. Burying her face into her arms she didn't lift her head up until she heard a familiar song. Looking to the front of the class she saw Sakura and the rest of her posse (Tayuya, Karin, Kin) dancing like sluts (and out of beat) To Beyonce's Check Up On It. Naruto rolled her eyes, and then she smirked, this was a perfect opportunity to exact humility onto Sakura.

You see, while the boy's went after Naruto's virginity as a prize, the female population became bitter (Except for TenTen, Hinata, and Ino, her best buddies) and called her many colorful names she could not remember. So standing up and walking to the front of the class she said to the boy that owned the boom box to start it over. Sakura gaped at her, how dare that little virgin bitch try to challenge her?! Naruto saw Sakura's expression and said, "If you think you are as great as you are, you won't mind a little competition, the whole class will judge." Sakura sneered, "Competition? You're hardly anything compared to me!" Sakura puffed out her overly large chest before telling the boy to indeed, start over.

"_You need to stop playing around with all the clowns and the wangsters, good girls need to get down with the gangsters." _

Sakura bucked her hips in fake ecstasy and out of beat.

Naruto however did a couple of fancy foot work, hand signs, and a body roll all in beat.

"_Go 'head girl put some back and some neck up on it, while I'm standing in the back tryin' to check up on it." _

Sakura did a couple of unidentifiable moves and a body roll out of beat.

Naruto followed into the body roll that she had done before and started to let the beat take over…

Throughout the rest of the song Naruto let loose completely, it was all a blur, she had let her 'true dancer' free and danced beautifully each move in synch with the beat as if they were old friends.

Sakura however, did moves you would see in a strip club, she looked to be trying really hard to make herself look sexy, but it was doing quite the opposite. All of her moves were out of beat and out of step. She was _nothing _compared to Naruto.

The decision was clear, Naruto won, although Sakura did not take her defeat lightly,

"YOU BITCH, HOW DARE YOU MANIPLATE THE CLASS?!"

Naruto looked Sakura straight in the eye, "I did not manipulate anyone Haruno, I don't know how or where you got that idea, but I beat you fair and square, so here's some advice…get some fucking dance lessons or something, because YOU SUCK."

Many people who hated the Haruno girl cheered for Naruto as she walked back to her desk and sat down. Sakura stood there with her mouth wide open before glaring at Naruto and silently accepting her defeat…for now.

"That was great Naruto-chan, the spirit of youth flows deeply within you! I MUST LEARN HOW TO DANCE!" Naruto's friend Rock Lee yelled as he punched his fist into the air, "If I can learn to dance I can offer to teach the lovely and youthful TenTen some moves! Then we will run off to the Carribean where we will do youthful activities!"

"Lee!" TenTen said while punching her boyfriend's arm lovingly, "Are you saying I can't dance?"

Giant chibi tears sprouted up into Lee' eyes, "NOO! I DID NOT MEAN TO IMPLY THAT! I'M SO SORRY MY LOTUS BLOSSOM! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" And with that he flung his arms around TenTen and sprouted chibi tears all over her shoulder.

Hinata, Ino, Naruto, and TenTen sweat dropped at Lee's antics. He was just a giant jumble of many things that some people would find unpleasant.

Kiba who was holding Hinata's hand just rolled his eyes, he knew Lee longer than anyone else there so he was more used to Lee.

So as you might see form this small information here, that Lee and TenTen are together (Lee's a persistent being isn't he?) and from the statement above, you can also tell that Hinata and Kiba are together.

Naruto shook her head as if to clear her mind of that memory, after TenTen had calmed Lee down the door burst open and in came the principal of the school. Her name is Tsunade, she is a woman who's in her 40's to 50's but looks to be in her 20's, she has pretty blond hair and honey brown eyes. As she was about to speak our favorite blue-eyed blond cut in.

"OI OBAACHAN!" Naruto called out, "What are you here for?"

A vein popped on Tsunade's forehead, "I was about to announce that Naruto! And don't call me old! Anyway, as I was about to say, Kakashi-san seems tohave caught a very terrible bug and will be out for at least a month, so there will be a substitute, be nice or I'll kill you, so welcome Mr. Itachi Uchiha!"

The door was once again opened and in walked a tall man with dark onyx eyes and black hair; he also had pale skin just like a bastard that Naruto knew.

So she put one and one together (that equals two!) and yelled before Itachi could get a word out, "_NO WAY! YOU'RE THAT BASTARD OF AN UCHIHA'S BROTHER?!_"

Gasps elicited from the fan girl population in the room, and all eyes turned to Naruto, including Itachi's…

**Hello, my name is line, I separate the story. **

**There you go, my writer's block story! So as usual there's going to be a poll open for Naruto pairings. And remember, Naruto is a girl. **

**Ja Ne! **

**-Tarra, Your Author (That Pwns)**


	2. Girly Man

99

**99.9 Percent Guaranteed**

**By: xxtarragonxx**

**Warnings: Innocent!Naru, ManyPeople!Naru, Fem!Naruto, cussing, inappropriate humor and actions. Possible character bashing. YAOI AND POSSIBLY YURI! OOC-NESS!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or Loveless. The song belongs to that chick named JoJo. And if there really is a book called The Used and Abused, I don't own it.**

**AN: Your guys' reviews are awesome! So I am giving you virtual Fem!Naruto plushies! Naru-chan is in a school girl uniform! **

**Neji: O . O –steals plushie-**

**Tarra: OI! Neji give that back! You didn't review! **

**Neji: …. -hiss-**

**Tarra: No! Drop the plushie now! **

**Neji: NEVER! **

**Tarra: Eeh, whatever, I have extras.**

**ALSO! Remember to vote for who gets Naruto! The other guys will come in later so don't worry!**

**Thanks for reviewing!!**

**-Naruto's POV-**

Everyone's staring at me; it's making me feel really uncomfortable, so I quickly shook my head and called out, "Sorry, got lost in the…umm.. GLORIOUIS entrance of the FABLED Uchiha." I was very careful to lay on the sarcasm to make myself seem sincere.

Yes, I'm an idiot (only sometimes) and I'm PROUD OF IT!

God, I feel like banging my head against the desk. Everyone knows Itachi's name, because it was said that he was next in line to run Uchiha Corps. Yeah, Uchiha Corps is the company I'm boycotting; I don't buy any of their products (that range from alphabet soup to zucchini to industrial toilets). Hopefully one day, someone will join me on my quest.

Anyway, back to the topic of 'why I want to bang my head against the desk', it's because almost everyone in the room is looking at me with a 'WTF' expression on their faces.

So being the nice person I am, I flip them all off and stick out my tongue. I'm very considerate aren't I? Yes, and sexy, don't forget sexy. Wait a second where the hell did that come from? Fuck, I bet I'm narcissistic! God, then what am I supposed to do? Lose my virginity to a mirror?

No, that idea does not appeal to me in any manner, I am not narcissistic.

**RING. **

That was the bell! Thank god, now I don't have to listen to anything the old Uchiha has to say, so grabbing my book bag I run out of the room and towards my next class.

**-Timeskip to Chemistry Class-**

Ugh, I hate Chemistry class! Seriously, it's the class right after lunch, where everyone's suddenly reminded that they have 4 more hours of torture to endure and not to mention it was taught by the worst teacher ever, and who might that be you ask, why it's Oro-pedophile.

Okay fine, his real name is Orochimaru, he's this really weird teacher who wears white powder and face make-up. He also has this freakishly long tongue that just creeps me out. Oh crap, he's staring intently at me.

Does any one of you have a gun? 'Cause if you do, I need to borrow it right about now, come on! Anyone? Damn you all.

Oh shit, did he ask me a question? "What are the main components of a basic perfume?" I don't know; don't waste your time asking me! Crap, he looks pissed off. I should probably send him a nice fruit basket or something.

"Answer me!" He demands with that weird alien voice of his.

I shrug my shoulder in response, to hell if I know, as far as I'm concerned after college I'm never going to even _use _the word chemistry again.

Uh oh, it looks as if my shrug was the wrong answer, because now I can literally see the steam rising off of his (disgusting) head. It looks like detention, oh well it's not like I haven't been to detention many times before.

It's okay though, Orochimaru is a pedophile but he's interested in little _boys_, like Uchiha. I almost snicker; it's a known fact that Orochimaru has made the _moves_ on Uchiha. Because Uchiha is a _pretty boy. _

I sputter and cover my mouth to hold in my laughter. Get a hold of yourself Naruto! Then all of a sudden I feel this weird chill, as if someone was looking at me intently, I glance towards Orochimaru, but he was once again at the board explaining something I'm not interested in.

I look back and see this weird guy with long hair and white eyes looking at me, what was his name again? Naju, Netu, Noyi? Oh yeah, now I remember, it's Neji. Isn't he Hinata's uncle or something? Although the name Neji doesn't seem to suit him.

I shall secretly dub him, 'girly man'.

Mwahahahahahaha. Wait did I just laugh like that aloud? By the way everyone's staring at me, I think it's best to assume that. I chuckle nervously and scratch the back of my head, "Gomen, gomen…"

Orochimaru just blinked at me before going back to explaining whatever the hell that thing was. After he gave the homework assignment (write a one page essay on what he had explained) the bell rang once again and I was off in a yellow flash before bastard Uchiah could catch up to me and even _try _to say a word.

I had to run, because I was going to be in my favorite class- Music. I just love to sing and dance and play the guitar! It's the only class I do the homework for! (Sorry Oro-pedophile!) Anyway, as I was running down the hall I bumped into somebody. Falling onto my virgin ass I looked up and gulped.

It's Gaara. Damn I'm in some deep shit now. You see, I don't know Gaara, but I've heard stories. And let's say that they aren't bed time stories you should tell to your kid (Unless you want them to have nightmares). So I need to immediately switch into panic mode.

**-Narrator's POV-**

**Thanks for reviewing!!**

Naruto looked at Gaara with panic in her eyes, being frantic she looked around, _"Shit it's just my luck that there just so happens to be no one else down this hall." _Gaara looked at Naruto with indifference, even though he was intrigued.

"_So this is the kid with her ears and tail." _

Gaara stared at her and said, "You're going to lose them soon..." Naruto stared at him with a confused look, "What do you mean?"

Gaara leaned forward his teal eyes boring into her cerulean ones, "Your tail and ears, you're going to lose them soon, so why not just give them to me?" Naruto's eyes hardened, this Gaara guy was nothing but another Sasuke!

Gritting her teeth she punched Gaara in the gut before dashing off once again towards her next class. Her feet carried here down endless halls before stopping at Room 112A, her music class. She opened the door and stepped in.

Gaara looked at the short girl that had sped off, "Cute." He chuckled darkly. This person might be worth putting some effort into.

After closing the door behind her she turned to her music teacher, Kurenai, "Ano-sa, sorry for being late…" Naruto stuttered. Kurenai smiled at Naruto, Naruto was her favorite student, and she was (usually) never late, so she would let it slide this time.

"It's okay Naruto, just take a seat." Kurenai gestured to the only seat left, which was right by her best friends! Naruto nodded happily before bounding off towards Ino, Hinata, Rock Lee, Kiba, and TenTen.

Naruto smiled, she and her best friends had secretly formed a band called **Amzeh**, you see, Kiba played the drums along with Rock Lee, TenTen played the bass, Ino played lead guitar, and Hinata played the piano. And of course, Naruto could do all of those things, so she was the main lead singer.

"Main lead singer?" One might ask, well the reason she's called the main lead singer is that they switched off who sung, and Naruto would take whoever's place it was that was singing.

Kurenai called out roll before talking to them about their homework, "Okay then kiddies! Your assignment was to write a song based on the novel 'Used and Abused' by Nadia Natay. I would like to hear those songs. So, who wants to go first?"

**(AN: I don't know if this is a real book, I just made it up, anyway in my mind it's a book about how a guy constantly cheats on his girlfriend and keeps begging her to come back only to abuse her emotions again until finally the girl runs away and starts a new life without him) **

Naruto immediately raised her hand and waved it around furiously, Kurenai laughed, "Okay then Naruto, you may perform your song first." Naruto screeched happily before walking to the 'instrument closet' and pulling out an acoustic guitar. Literally running to the front of the class she laid a crisp white sheet of paper that had the leody and lyrics written on it, so she slowly started to play her melody and added the lyrics,

"_Come to me, stay the night, you say the words but boy it don't feel right, what do you expect me to say? (You know it's too little too late) You take my hand and you say you change, but boy you know your begging don't fool me, because to you it's just a game. (You know it's just to little to late.) So let me go now, 'cause time has made me strong I'm starting to move on, I'm going to say this now, your chance has come and gone." _

Naruto took a deep breath before starting the chorus, almost every person in the room was in a trance (except for Sakura who was wearing a fowl expression, but then again does she count as a person?)

"_It's just too little to late. A little to long, and I can't wait, but you know all the right things to say. You know it's just too little to late. You say you dream of my face, but you don't like me you just like the chase, so be real it doesn't matter anyway, you know it's just too little too late." _

People loved the melody and some people had tears forming at their eyes (Lee), at the end of her song people gave her a big round of applause. Naruto smiled, this was one class she was sure she was going to pass.

**-After Music Class Ends-**

Naruto walked down to English with Kakashi, now English wasn't too far from Music so she was there in about 45 seconds. But as she was about to open the door a memory hit her,

Kakashi wasn't going to be teaching her today…_Itachi was._

**Thanks for reviewing!!**

**O-O So remember to vote for the couple YOU WANT. Shikamaru will come in the next chapter. Anyway so far I have 2 votes for ItafemNaru. **

**So vote! Also I was thinking the idea of SasuNaruSai story using the idea of Used and Abused (explained in AN) is intriguing, so should I pursue the idea or let it drop? So, how do you like the story so far? And if you vote Sasuke, I'll make him have like, an epiphany or something and have him stop being a bastard. But if you don't he'll keep being the persistent, cocky bastard he is currently.**

**Ja Ne!**

**-Tarra (The Author That Is Earning 50 Dollars Soon)**


	3. Duty Calls

99

**99.9 Percent Guaranteed**

**By: xxtarragonxx**

**Warnings: Innocent!Naru, ManyPeople!Naru, Fem!Naruto, cussing, inappropriate humor and actions. Possible character bashing. YAOI AND POSSIBLY YURI! OOC-NESS!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or Loveless.**

**AN: So, tomorrow I will be leaving! To Pheonix and then I will be flying out to Chicago! I will miss you all on my one week and a half hiatus! I was going to update The Sequel to By Golly, but I'm having writer's block! I can't decide what to write! So sorry to anyone who is waiting for and update! I promise I will think of stuff to write in Chicago! So here are the votes so far!! And yes, Haku and a MALE Kyuubi will come in later as will Sai! Sorry, Ayame will not be in this fic! **

**UPDATE ON AN****: OMFG!! I am SOOOO Sorry, I meant to get this chapter out BEFORE I left but I wasn't able to! I feel so treacherous! **

**ItaNaru: 12**

**SasuNaru: 3**

**GaaNaru: 5**

**ShikaNaru: 5**

**ChoNaru: 1**

**SaiNaru: 2**

**InoNaru: 1**

**InoNaruHina: 1**

**HakuNaru: 1**

**KyuuNaru: 1**

**ShinoNaru: 1**

**HinaNaru: 1**

**NejiNaru: 1 **

**SasuNaruSai: 1**

**Okay then, so we have some threesomes in here! And in the lead is ItaNaru! So I know that many people are screaming that ItaNaru is overused for FemNaru stories and I agree, I'm just taking this poll to get feedback and to pick which pairing the reviewers (You people!) will be happy with. **

_**Dedicated To: **_Paladin-kriss and Sei no Gaara, _**(You guys just rock, that's it) And the rest of my reviewers are awesomely awesome too! **_

**I'm back though!**

**-Naruto's POV-**

So I open the door and walk in, it seems as if I'm a bit early as there's hardly anyone there. I snicker, Sakura's not here! Yes! Bwahaha! Commencing Operation: Poopie Pants. Slowly I creep over to the desk that Sakura 'reserves' and I slip a nice present onto the seat. Giggling I quickly made it back to my own seat next to Ino.

I can't help it, I put a hand over my mouth to cover the giggles, and now everyone in the room is staring at me again because the 'laugh' came out as,

"Mffmhmm Hehsoyuuhi mmerrrnnny!"

But I'm not crazy! It sounds as if I was trying to pronounce a disease or something Latin, seriously all of those very complicated Latin words! It just comes out as something incredibly stupid! I hate Latin. It's the entire Latin-peoples fault! Calm down Naruto, no need to get over excited!

Yeah, sorry Latin-peoples! I got a little worked up! Suddenly the door opens and in walks 'me-have-overly-large-chest-and-look-like-baboon' Sakura. Seriously, with the way she dances and talks it's like saying, 'ship me back to the wild so I can be with my ape kin'.

Anyway she walks over to the seat and plops herself down, instantly a farting noise sounded through-out the room. I start the count-down…

_3…_

_2…_

_1…_

Everyone in the class burst out laughing even Mr. Itachi let out a couple of chuckles. After his 'chuckling' Mr. Itachi called out, "Miss Haruno would you like to take a pass to the bathroom?" Sakura turned apple red before rushing out of the room.

I laugh more before calling out, "I guess duty calls!" More laughter. I just enjoy making people laugh! (Seriously if you haven't found that out by now… you must have some problems).

So anyway, as I was laughing and being just all around awesome I accidentally fell out if my chair and into the guy who was sitting next to me's lap. I blush, seriously, I mean wouldn't you if you fell into a guy's lap while your face was flushed from laughing and you looked all around adorable?

"So troublesome…." Said the voice of the dude who's lap I was in. I got off quickly but I was confused by his words.

"Did you call me troublesome?" I ask, hey I was seriously curiously-er-umm….. So….

"No," the male replied, "I'm calling the events that led up to you spontaneously somehow dropping into my lap troublesome."

Yeah, that _really _helped…not! I tilt my head and try to figure out what he said, the boy chuckled a bit, "You're lucky you're cute."

My blush grew deeper before the boy said, "I'm Shikamaru Nara." I blink, isn't he that dude that is on that list of 'smart students'? (LAME) I look away and mutter, "I'm Naruto." Shikamaru opened his mouth to try to speak but Mr. Itachi started to talk,

"My name is Itachi Uchiha," Many girls cat called and whistled, "I will be your substitute for the duration of Hatake-san's absence, now since I do not know any of you, I would like to use the class time to learn your names, dislikes, likes, and ambitions. Let's start with the first row."

I rolled my eyes, I usually never pay attention to the whole introduction-thing, come to think of it I don't really pay attention at all… Fine! I'll make an exception and listen to it just this once.

A kid with large black glasses with a high collar shirt stood up, "My name is Aburame Shino, I like bugs, I dislike people who hate bugs, my ambition is to be a bug." He then sat down.

Wow, that was redundant . I think. Damn, I need a dictionary.

Next, a weird silver-headed kid with glasses (again?) said, "My name is Yakushi Kabuto, my likes are Chemistry (shudder, he likes Oro-pedophile? OMG that makes me wonder….OKAY THEN MOVING ON!!) Medicine, the colors blue, and silver, I dislike anyone who thinks they are too good for other people, my ambition is to become a cardiologist."

Hmm, that makes me think of pink hair, and overly large gorilla chests…..

Maaa… I'm getting bored…so I'm just going to block out lots of people and think about…my favorite band; Linkin Park! Yes, Linkin Park is just like awesome, I want my band to be just as awesome!

So now we're to my row, so I have to pay attention again, anyway this weird girl that no one seems to like stood up, she was dressed in a slutty outfit and her jacket showed most of her belly,

"I'm Karin and I don't need to say anything else." She stated snootily. I almost snorted before I saw that dude…what was his name? Oh yeah, Kabuto glaring at her.

So _that's_ what he was talking about. So then this chubby boy with swirl tattoos on his cheeks stands up, "My name is Akimichi Choji! I like FOOD, I dislike EXERCISE, and my ambition is to EAT MORE FOOD." **(AN: So sorry, I like Choji it's just that I'm trying to view things through Naruto-vision)**

I almost have a huge anime sweat drop thing; you know the ones that are like huge with the little marks and stuff? The type where they usually have the funny music that goes dwon-now-naaaw. So then that Shikamaru dude stands up and is all like,

"I'm Shikamaru (so troublesome) Nara, I like (so troublesome) chess and watching clouds, I dislike (what a drag) **women**, my mother, **women**, and other _troublesome_ things."

So now it's my turn, so I jump up and say, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki BITCH (Mr. Itachi frowns at my colorful language) I like ramen, orange, foxes, my friends, toads, money, Linkin Park, music, rock…..DAMN! I like a lot of stuff, anyway, I dislike Sasuke-bastard (Mr. Itachi smirks at this) Sakura-ape, Bob the Builder, Dora the Explora, Barney, Jiraiya-perv, Tsunade when she PMS-es…and a hell of a lot more, my ambition is to rock the world AND NOT IN THE WAY THAT JIRAIYA-PERV INTERPRETS!!"

I can feel the eyes boring into my head, all of the males are probably thinking, _"She's a bit stupid, but she has a nice virgin ass." _And most of the girls (besides my friends), _"Idiot, I wonder why my lovely midnight downy beautiful sparkle Sasuke likes her." _

I don't know why people call me dead last. I have lots of smarticles. Wait…is smarticles a word? But anyway, I have an IQ…over 50...or was it 40? So as I'm lost in my thoughts of IQ and smartness, everyone is done introducing themselves.

Mr. Itachi is about to speak but then his cell phone rings and he goes, "I have to take this, wait a minute." So then I start talking to Ino and TenTen (Hinata's in the row behind us)

"So did you guys here?" Ino said excitedly.

I roll my eyes, "About what?" She smiles, "About the new transfer students that are coming here tomorrow!"

"GREAT!" I said, "More ass holes in this condemned place." Ino and TenTen were quiet for a moment before TenTen said,

"Oh My God, you know the word condemned!"

Haha, very funny guys. I'm laughing so fucking hard right now.

**I'm back though!**

**Narrator's POV**

Naruto sat in her seat pouting, when the bell rings, finally the one hour of her friends cracking puns about her intelligence was over. She walked silently to her next class, English.

She walked into the classroom and sat down sulkily in a front row seat, none of her friends were in this class, because this was honors English, yes, surprisingly Naruto is good at English; she somehow manages to ace the tests. Maybe it was because her guardian is the English teacher and he drills the day's lesson into her head about 5560 times a day.

Seriously, that was not an exaggeration. _**5560 **_times a **day**. Yeah, Iruka usually goes overboard with her education.

So then someone tapped Naruto on the shoulder and she turns to see 'girly-man', now that she's closer she can see that Neji does look a lot like Hinata. The same milky white eyes and dark not-quite ebony hair.

Yeah, he's pretty attractive, it doesn't take a lot to admit it, so shoot her.

Neji then introduces himself, "I'm Hyuga Neji."

"I'm Naruto."

Thankfully, Iruka decides then to start the lesson and they don't get to talk anymore.

**I'm back though!**

**-EXTRA: NARUTO'S SCHEDULE-**

**Schedule For: Uzumaki, Naruto**

**Grade: 12**

Homeroom: Kakashi Hatake

1st period: Literature- Anko Mitarashi

2nd period: Geology- Sarutobi Asuma

3rd period: Art- Sasori

4th period: Creative Writing- Hayate

-Lunch/Break-

5th period: Chemistry- Orochimaru

6th period: Music- Kurenai

7th period: Math- Hatake

8th period: English- Iruka

You can now stalk Naruto!

**AN: So what did you think? Anyway, I'm having total writer's block on all of my stories! Sorry, other stories! I just want everyone to know, I HAVE NOT ABANDONED MY FICS. Anyway, so remember to vote for your favorite pairing (or threesome) choices! So I have to go now because it is 12:40 a.m. and I am as tired as hell. **

**Kukukukuku**

**Sankyuu!**

**-Tarra, Your Author (That Has Returned)**


	4. Well, Shit

99

**99.9 Percent Guaranteed**

**By: xxtarragonxx**

**Warnings: Innocent!Naru, ManyPeople!Naru, Fem!Naru, cussing, inappropriate humor and actions. Possible character bashing. YAOI AND POSSIBLY YURI! OOC-NESS!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or Loveless. **

**AN: So, how's everyone been doing, anyway I appear in this chapter, see if you can spot me. But don't worry; I don't become a major character… I just force characters in this chapter into compromising situations… **

**Yes, and also some of you appear in this chapter too! **

**Yaay!**

**Anyway, I am not going to post the poll anymore because it might cause people to lean towards another pairing because the other people want them to vote for that pairing…. I hope that makes sense. Plus, with the new point that **AoiShinzo

**has brought up has frightened me…to a certain extent. **

**Naruto: I don't see why people have to discuss who I fuck with? I would much rather be a GUY with a hot GIRL. **

**Iruka: NARUTO, LANGUAGE! **

**Tarra and reviewers: Ku ku ku ku ku ku! Listen closely, Naruto. We hold your fan fiction fate in the very palm of our hands; we decide your fate here. **

**Neji: Psht, told you. **

**Wheee! Caffeine is fuun! **

So, here I am late for school…._again. _Sometimes, I think I'm almost as bad a Kakashi-sensei. Crap. I just pictured myself wearing a face mask and reading dirty smut novels. _Shudder. _I remember when I first found out that Jiraiya's books were porn….

**-Flashback-**

_A small 7-year-old Naruto bounced up and down happily as she made her way back home from her first day of second grade, when she got back she immediately threw herself into Iruka's arms. _

"_Toooouuuuuu-saaan, the first day of school was awesome, I made friends with a girl named TenTen, she's really pretty with brown ears and long hair. OH! And the teacher Jiraiya-sensei taught us how to read a paragraph in a book! Want to hear it 'Ruka?" _

_Iruka smiled, "Okay Naruto let's hear it."_

_Naruto smiled and pulled out a sheet of paper with the paragraph scribbled down on it. Clearing her voice she read aloud, _

"_I tugged desperately on her white panties, before pulling them off completely, the hot woman moaned as I pushed inside her while rubbing her soft breast between my calloused han-.."_

"_WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??"_

_Iruka grabbed the paper from her hand and read the title:_

_**Make Out Tactics 3**_

_**Chapter 1**_

_**3**__**rd**__** paragraph**_

"_NARUTO! THIS IS PORN!!" _

_Naruto looked at her father with confusion in her eyes, _

"'_Ruka…what's porn?"_

_The next day Jiraiya was fired from his position at Konoha Elementary School._

I shudder even more as I recall what the paragraph said. But I also pity Jiraiya too; he had hell when Iruka stormed into class the next day. So anyway, back onto the topic being late…_again. _I'm sprinting down the block as fast as my legs can take me, my hair was blowing behind me.

And then all of a sudden I recall an episode of Babe Watch that I had once witnessed late at night. And that leads to picturing myself in a life guard bikini running all slow motion down the beach with some buff guy alongside me, and coming upon a guy who was choking.

Okay…so I get distracted…big deal! Leave me alone! I finally arrive on campus and burst into the classroom just as the late bell rings.

"_Good one, Uzumaki!" _I cheer in my head. I immediately take a seat down by TenTen and Ino. But all of a sudden Itachi calls out, "Not there Uzumaki."

Ino whispers in my ear, "Mr. Itachi has made a seating chart."

LAME.

So I sit in this seat that happens to have no one else around it, great, just isolate me! Cut me off from my friends, and the ones I hold dear, and it doesn't help that it's in the first row.

God, kill me.

On second thought….God, kill all Uchihas.

Then all of a sudden the old hag comes bursting through the door, oh god, did I do something that deserves punishment in last week? Well of course. So I stand up and say the obvious, "I didn't do it!"

Tsunade raised an eyebrow, "I am only here to introduce the new students, but pray tell me, what didn't you do?"

I sputter, "N-nothing baa-chan!" Tsunade rolled her eyes, she would just remind herself to call Naruto to her office later on.

"Whatever, any way please welcome our three new students, Haku, Sai, and, Kyuubi!" Then in walked three males, one had blood red hair and hard grey eyes, another looked quite feminine with soft brown eyes, pale skin, and long hair, and the last looked….

Oh My GOD.

TOTALLY CUTE. He was wearing half a shirt (that showed off his sculpted abdominals) a black jacket with hints of red, and black slacks. He had pale skin and obsidian liquid pools for eyes and jet black locks of air that fell loosely around his face.

Then the dark eyes became focused on me, he opened his mouth to speak, he is such a-

"Hello, virgin failure."

STUPID ASSHOLE PRICK!! Everyone could see my face getting red with pure fury. I leaped out of my seat and lunged at Sai, but unfortunately Mr. Itachi and Tsunade held me back.

Then appeared a mysterious person who loosened Tsuande's and Itachi's grip just enough to make me fall and have my lips lock onto…

The prick's.

FUCKING GREAT! I turn around to throttle whoever did that but no one was there…strange. So instead I turn to the prick and I grab a text book that a weird person with a name tag that read: Paladin-kriss just handed to me. Finding it heavy enough I hit the prick repeatedly with it. I need to thank that person later.

After I'm done the asshole just chuckles and says, "You need to get laid…_badly_"

Oh that was it; I lift my foot and jam it into the most unforgiving place in the male anatomy. He falls down and grabs his jewels, and I kick him in the face a couple of times for good effect, before Mr. Itachi and Tsunade-baachan take action,

"HARUNO, TAKE SAI TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE NOW!" Tsunade roared, then she jabbed a finger at me, "YOU!! DETENTION! FOR ONE WEEK!!"

Sakura wrapped her arm around 'Sai' (PRICK) and dragged him our the door, just then the bell rang, I stand up to walk out until Mr. Itachi speaks.

"Stay for a while, Uzumaki."

I freeze and wait as the others slowly file out including Kyuubi and Haku. After they were gone I turn to Mr. Itachi.

"What do you want?"

I ask with my eyes directed towards the ground- that is until I felt a pair of lips on mine.

**(AN: I should stop it right here, but I won't because you guys deserve it.) **

I also see this flash and I turn to see a person with a name tag that read: ShadowDragonOfTheMoon the person smirked and said evilly, "Blackmail." Then she disappeared in a soft poof.

And all of this happened in t-minus 3 seconds. So I push Mr. Itachi off of me and stomp on his foot childishly before running out of the door.

I take a turn and push the door open into the bathroom.

**Wheee! Caffeine is fuun! **

**-Narrator's POV-**

When Naruto pushed the door open she wasn't expecting this, the place was teeming with boys, so she quickly hid beneath a sink, glad that a boy didn't spot her and yell, 'cooties' or something ridiculous like that.

She listened as the current people in the bathroom talked,

"So Sasuke, I heard that your brother is teaching here and the girls are fawning over him now."

Naruto cringed, she had hoped that people she didn't know were in here, but, life was never fair.

There was a scoff,

"Whatever, there isn't a girl here that I haven't fucked."

"What about that blond chick, Naruto?"

She heard Sasuke shift uncomfortably before saying,

"In good time, she will be putty in my hands."

But there was a touch of worry in his voice.

"Uh-huh, but last time I heard, she was getting pretty friendly with that new kid, Sai."

Naruto began to laugh but covered her mouth so the sound came out like a fart; Sasuke looked at the boy and said,

"Aw, dude that's nasty."

And he swung the door open, and left. The boy red faced ran after Sasuke trying to explain that it wasn't him, Naruto creeps out from under the sink, gets up, and starts to go out until she heard a voice from behind her,

"Well, well, if it isn't Naruto Uzumaki."

She turns around and faces Gaara Subaku.

"_Well shit._"

**Wheee! Caffeine is fuun! **

**OMFG, I just couldn't let go of the idea of Jiraiya being Naruto's second grade teacher, I just find it so hilarious. **

**Sorry to the peoples that didn't worm their way into the chapter. So I was pretty easy to spot. **

**Anyway, the next chapter is going to be from someone else's POV, so tell me who it should be? **

**Neji**

**Gaara**

**Kyuubi**

**Haku**

**or**

**Sai**

**Have fun voting! **


	5. Felt Up

99

**99.9 Percent Guaranteed**

**By: xxtarragonxx**

**Warnings: Innocent!Naru, ManyPeople!Naru, Fem!Naru, cussing, inappropriate humor and actions. Possible character bashing. YAOI AND POSSIBLY YURI! OOC-NESS!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or Loveless. **

**AN: So, this is the next chapter in the epic fanfic that you are reading. So before we get on with the story, I would like to respond to one of my reviews. **

**DemonCurse: ya have issusses dude. **

**Me: Yes, yes I do. And since I **_**do **_**have issues, I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or some random comment meant to hurt me. **

'**Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will scar my inner child forever.'**

**On With The Story! **

**-Kyuubi POV-**

If I am anything, it is **not** annoying. I don't know _why _people call me annoying. Now random…yes, I am random. I am the person that will hop out of nowhere and scream 'in your face' even if I don't know you.

Apparently, people now-a-days don't respect random humor, and that saddens me. So as I'm walking to the bathroom, hoping to catch some schmuck coming out and scream in his ear I hear people talking.

Now this is interesting. I love it when people talk in the bathroom, because I get to interrupt the conversation. Yeah, I'm just cool like that. So I lean in and listen into the conversation going on in the men's bathroom.

"_Uzumaki."_

Hey! I know that name, isn't she that chick that tried to kill Sai? I still don't know where she got that text book. Oh wait, this _is_ the men's room, right? Ohh, this is good. Very good.

"_U-umm h-hey G-gaara." _

Gaara, I heard about him from one of those people I tricked they were all like, 'you better not do that to Gaara or you're going to die', scratch that, this was getting _VERY VERY_ good.

"_What are you doing here?" _

"_Uhhh, well, errrmm I guess that…" _

"_Well?"_

That's my cue so I burst into the bathroom singing a very good and complicated solo.

"**I'm A BARBIE GIRL IN A BARBIE WOOOORRRRLLLD LIFE IN PLASTIC IS FANTASTIC! YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR, UNDRESS ME EVERYWHEEEEERRRREEE! IMAGINATION; LIFE IS YOUR CREATION!!" **

The girl who was in there, Naruto, was smiling and decided to join in with a

"_COME ON BARBIE LET'S GO PARTY." _

"**AH-AH-AH-YEEAH!" **

"_COME ON BARBIE LET'S GO PARTY."_

"**OOH-WOOOAAAHH OOH WOOOAAAH!" **

"_COME ON BARBIE LET'S GO PARTY!" _

"**AH-AH-AH-YEEEAAAH!" **

"_COME ON BARBIE LET'S GO PARTY!" _

"**OOH-WOOOAAAHH, OOH-WOOOAAH!" **

Naruto broke down laughing, and slapped me on the back, "That was hilarious, random, but hilarious."

OMFG. She appreciates the _art_. The art of _randomness_! **(An: Luls, just had to put that in.) **

But all of a sudden she turned nervous, and I immediately found out why, the red-haired boy whom I expect to be Gaara was sending me a glare-of-sure-and-slow-death. I chuckle and pat him on the back, "Lighten up dude, it was a joke."

Soon I find out that that was a grave mistake, 'Gaara' gripped m hand and twisted it, making me cry out in pain. Naruto looked at me in horror, but she didn't dare approach. That's when an idea hit me, but would it work? I didn't know, but I had to try.

"Oh, by the way, Gaara, I heard that this dude named Suko was feeling up your sister in Chemistry."

Gaara let go of me, "He what?"

"Felt her up, when Orochimaru wasn't looking." Gaara's eyes glinted darkly as he stormed out of the bathroom. When he left I suddenly grabbed Naruto's hand and high-tailed it out ofd there. We hid in a janitor's closet.

So then I sprung a question,

"So, how in the _hell_ did you end up in the men's room?"

**On With The Story! **

**-Naruto POV-**

So the person that saved me, Kyuubi, asked me how I got into the men's room. I roll my eyes and say,

"After getting kissed by two pricks I ran and didn't know where I was going, thus me ending up in the men's room. Until you came in and saved of course."

Kyuubi did a good-guy-pose and flashed me a fox-like smile (much like my own). I scratch my head,

"By the way, could you and I possibly be related?"

Hey, I just _had _to ask, I mean we both have _amazing_ senses of humor (cough), whisker markings, and we both have brightly colored hair!

Kyuubi looked at me weirdly for a second before he chuckled,

"Now that I think about it, we _could_ be…But my name's funnier than yours!"

I squawk indignantly,

"NO WAY! MY NAME'S WAAY FUNNIER!"

"Psht, my name means Nine Tailed Fox."

"Well, mine means FISHCAKE WHIRLWIND!"

"So? MINE'S STILL BETTER! NYAAAH!"

"NEVER!"

Glaring at each other we suddenly both burst out laughing,

"Hahahah…fishcake….HAHAAH!"

"Pffft. –giggle- NINE TAILED!"

**On With The Story! **

**-Narrator's POV- **

As Naruto and Kyuubi were laughing, class started, and it wasn't until the 'late' bell rang that Kyuubi and Naruto realized how late it was.

"HOLY SHIT! I gotta go! Byyyeee Kyuu-kun!" Naruto chimed out to her new-found friend as she sped down the hallway towards her own class. _"Now, what comes next…crap, literature with –gulp- ANKO." _

She doubled her speed, and found herself crashing through the door, as Anko was in the middle of a lecture.

Yeah, she was going to die.

"NARUTO!!"

Naruto scratches her head, "Ummm…Hi?" She was then hit in the head by a huge text book that read; **Literature 120: The Understanding and Depth of the Reading Arts. **

Yeah, it's this giant ass book that weighs about 900 lbs (dramatization).

"GET INTO YOUR SEAT UZUMAKI!!"

"Hai! Hai!" Naruto rushed into her seat and sat down, a rather large bump rising just behind her left fox ear. Pulling out her own 'Literature 120' book she opened it to the page she guessed they were on.

Anko smiled evilly, "Now, time for the 45 minutes of torture to begin. Class, turn to page 44." She said as she slowly took out various un-nameable intruments, most likely of torture.

The class gulped, yup, they were going to get it this time.

**-20 punches, seven kicks, five bruises, eighteen scars, and 4 very useful lectures later.-**

Naruto wormed her way out of the door using only her forearms to drag herself down that endless hallway of evil. Finding her way to her locker she propped herself up on a trashcan and slowly dialed her combination and opened her locker up. Sluggishly she took out her books for her next class and her 5 pages of (half completed) homework.

"_Man Anko was twice as brutal today; maybe it's her time of the month." _She thought as she limped her way down the hall and towards her next class.

**On With The Story! **

**-With Kyuubi- **

Kyuubi seemed depressed after being separated from his awesome new friend. He listened with little interest as Mr Hayate droned on about whatever. His mind was on the next prank or random joke he could play.

Doodling in his notebook his eyes glided over a baboon. He smiles. "Oh yes, I think I know what to do!" Slowly he sketches his plan to take place tomorrow. An evil smile forms on his face. Yes, a prank, that will send the baboon home crying.

"Ha ha ha ha!"

"Mr. Kitsune, would you mind -cough- answering the question?"

"Huh?"

"The_ question _Mr. Kitsune."

"Umm...1984?"

"FAIL -cough-."

"_Hmm, whoopee cushion, seat, pink… IT just might work." _

**On With The Story! **

**Whoo! Got this chapter out, **_**finally**_**, so how do guy's like Kyuubi? Anyway, sorry for the whole 'Barbie Girl' thing, I can just picture Naruto singing that with Kyuubi, **

**Yeah, the things my demented mind comes up with. **

**Anyway, a hint to what Kyuubi is planning. **

'**Great minds think alike.' **

**Jeremy: Pfft, whatever. **

**Tarra: Shut up, you common-named, short dude. **

**Naruto: OMFG, Jeremy, are you going to take that from an average-height person? **

**Jeremy: HELL NO! –takes out paint gun- **

**Tarra: BRING IT! –pulls out paint gun as well- **

**Jeremy: I'M NOOOOOT SHOOOORRRT! –shoots- **

**Tarra: YES YOU ARE!! –dodges all matrix-like then shoots-**

**Jeremy: -gets shot- NOOOOOOOoooooooo –falls down dramatically-**

**_(Nobody was actually hurt in the typing of this spoof) _**

**Naruto: So review please, and keep on reading!**

**Lee: YES! BE YOUTHFUL MY FRIENDS!! **

**Taara: -while hitting Jeremy repeatedly with paintballs- Give me some suggestions on what you want to happen!**


	6. Great Minds

99 Point 9 Percent Guaranteed

**99 Point 9 Percent Guaranteed**

**By: xxtarragonxx**

**Warnings: See previous chapters**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

**AN: So I decided to write this, since my internet was taken away –sniffles-. So I snuck onto my brother's computer and I am now typing it. I know you miss me! I love you all! I'M SO SORRY EVERYBODY! –chibi tears-**

**I missed you guys –tackles and hugs-**

**-Naruto's POV-**

Mischief, that's what I see in Kyuubi's eyes today in homeroom. I concentrate harder, oh yes, definitely mischief. He must be planning something! I chuckle; I hope it's something good. I need a laugh. Especially since Itachi-teme keeps staring at me like I'm a steaming steak served with potatoes, gravy and…..damn, now I'm hungry.

Whatever, so when the pink gorill- I mean Sakura walks through the door Kyuubi smirks, ah, so it has something to do with Sakura. Then as long as it humiliates her, it should be good.

Sakura bounces to her seats, her fake breasts jiggling (gag me) with every step. She finally sat down in her seat, suddenly a loud farting noise erupted. Sakura gapes,

"AGAIN?!" She screeches.

Kyuubi is ROFL-ing. I glare, he copied my prank! And people are still laughing. But you do have to admit, the second time is sort of funny.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" I burst out laughing, Kyuubi smirks as if he knew I would laugh right then, Sakura points at me, "STOP LAUGHING!"

I gasp for air, "The beauty of it is though, is that I didn't put it there that time!" Sakura's face turns, pink, then red. It soon becomes a bright shade of purple.

"YOU BITCH!" Sakura screams, "STOP RUINING MY PERFECT LIFE!"

…..There was silence, finally Itachi-teme drawls out, "That's enough Haruno, to the pricipal's office!"

"But-"

" I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, GO NOW!!"

As she walks out of the door with her head down, her bad boob job drooping and her lips pulled into a scowl, people cheer.

Well, that's one good thing about having a teacher WANT you intimately. Just one though, nothing else. I mean I would totally trade this privilege for Itachi-teme to after another poor sucker. Totally.

So soon the bell rang and I waited by the door for Kyuubi, when he arrived I punched him in the arm, "YOU COPIED MY PRANK!" Kyuubi looked at me with confusion, "What do you mean?"

"I already pulled 'Make the Pink Rhino Fart'!" Kyuubi frowned, "You copied me!"

"I don't believe that's possible, considering that I pulled the prank before you."

"Suuuuure you did."

"I DID!"

"Uh-huh, yeaaah, I believe you, not."

"Yooooouuuu'rrrreee soooooo meeeeaaaann."

"Well, Kyuu-kun, we must depart! If I don't make it to class on time, Anko will KILL ME!"

"I wouldn't miss you!"

"FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!" I scream as I run down the hall towards my first class.

**-time skip- **

"Anko-sensei, the bell is about to ring."

Anko glared at Karin, who interrupted her in the middle of a lecture, "I'll have you know. Miss KARIN THAT I DON'T LIKE TO BE INTERRUPTED IN THE MIDDLE OF A LECTURE! Anyway, I'm not letting you out until the fat lady sings."

I almost laugh, that was begging for a comment about the baboon, so I spoke up, "Karin, quick, get Sakura to sing." Anko turns her Death Glare That Totally Owns The Uchiha Death Glare Anyday onto me.

I gulp, "I m-mean, p-please c-c-ontinue your i-important lecture, s-sensei."

"Good girl."

_RIIIIINNNNG_

The bell rang, Anko, turning red took a large book and threw it at the intercom speaker, "DON'T INTERRUPT ME!!"

The rest of us, just slooooowly creep out of the room.

"_Back off slowly, remember, any sudden movements might provoke the predator to attack!" _

And so, me being the delicate, fragile, graceful person I am, barreled out of the room screaming, "I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Then –WHAM- "Oooof!" I cry out, I look up and see none other than a spiky haired boy.

"Maaah, so troublesome."

**-Narrator's POV- **

"YOU! The lazy dude, the one who's lap I fell on! What was your name again?" Naruto said all in one breath, yet Shikamaru didn't have an IQ of 290 for nothing,

"Shikamaru Nara."

"Oh," Naruto said chuckling. Shikamaru stared at her, "So troublesome." Anger flashed in Naruto's eyes, "I AM NOT TROUBLESOME!!"

Shikamaru then leaned in and kissed her on the lips, for a few seconds it seemed as if time had frozen, and when Naruto's brain finally processed what he said, she immediately pulled away and ran away screaming,

"WHY IS EVERYONE KISSING ME??"

As she sped off Shikamaru watched her.

"_Yep definitely troublesome."_

"Why do I have to like the crazies?" Shikamaru complained. Although, with Shikamaru caught up in Naruto, and Naruto to ignorant, neither of them had noticed Sasuke watching them from the shadows.

"Uzumaki Naruto, you will be mine." He vowed.

"Mommy, why is that man talking to himself?"

"Just walk away Bill, just walk away."

**I missed you guys –tackles and hugs-**

Naruto successfully made her way into her next class which was Geology. –shudder- Her worst subject, she sank down lowly into her seat and almost wet herself when Mr. Asuma said, "Today we will have test."

She could cry. And the worst part was, is that Hinata wasn't in this class, so she couldn't copy her notes or answers.

Fate was cruel to her.

**I missed you guys –tackles and hugs-**

Meanwhile, Sakura was in the shrink's office, which was weird, it had soft classical music playing and velvet covered everywhere. The shrink came in and said,

"Heeey ba- OH MY GOD! MY EYES! MY EYES!" It turns out that the shrink's eyes had suddenly been burned out of his sockets. Sakura hugged herself, promising herself that she was pretty. Her mother had said so this morning.

-Quick Flashback-

"_Mother, how do I look today?" Sakura asked posing in front of the mirror in a hot pink mini skirt with a low halter top that barely covered anything. _

"_You look great honey, and it's not just because I have a blindfold over my eyes." Her mother chuckled nervously._

Sakura honestly didn't know how that bitch, Naruto, could make everyone change their opinion of Sakura.

"_It's because she gave them all blowjobs! The little slut." _

She pointedly ignored the fact that she had done that herself when she was 12 **(AN: I'm SOO MEAN!) **

Sakura pondered for a moment, then a tiny lightbulb lit up above her head, although it quickly shattered soon after ward.

Sakura let out a nasally laugh, "Revenge is sweet!"

**I missed you guys –tackles and hugs-**

**So what do you guys think of this chapter that I quickly was able to type up? Also, one more review and guess what? **

**I'll HAVE NINTY-NINE REVIEWS ON THIS STORY. –pokes title- **

**XD, anyway, I gotta go now, hopefully I am able to update again, neh? **


	7. Bitchy Banshee

**99.9 Percent Guaranteed**

**By: xxtarragonxx**

**Warnings: Innocent!Naru, ManyPeople!Naru, Fem!Naru, cussing, inappropriate humor and actions. LOTS OF character bashing. YAOI AND POSSIBLY YURI! OOC-NESS!**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Naruto or Loveless Mmkay? **

**AN: DX I am SO sorry that I haven't been updating I was coauthoring another story (called EpicLove (ItaNaru), anyway TONS more Sakura bashing in this. Oh yes, it should make you laugh. **

**Are you ready for EXTREME Sakura bashing? **

I run after the bus, "DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!!!" fortunately the bus driver hears me this time and pulls over for me. I am currently wrapped heavily in a scarf and my favorite orange jacket with black leg warmers and a jean skirt, think Mary Jane meets punk rocker. Which is the look I love, I have to admit I look pretty bad ass today. I sort of shadowed Gaara and applied eyeliner on; my orange jacket is probably the most kick-ass jacket of all time.

Seriously, you guys should bow down to my jacket and how much it pwns. It is bright-blinding orange with a heart stitched on where my heart should be. There were also patches placed artfully everywhere. I sat down by Ino and she chuckled, "This is a surprise, you actually being noticed by the bus driver?" I shrug, "It's because of my jacket." Ino took a look at it and nodded her head.

"It certainly is attention-grabbing." I wave my arms frantically. "IT'S NOT _JUST_ ATTENTION GRABBING ITS THE MOST AWESOME SUPER PWNING JACKET TO EVER BE MANUFACTURED!" Ino cringes and says, "You don't have to scream it." "WHY?! I LIKE SCREAMING!" I yell back at her. "HEY YOU WITH THE EARS, SIT DOWN AND SHUT IT!" The bus driver named Burt scolds. "GEEZ MAN YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL!" I scream back at him before sitting down with a pout placed firmly on my face.

"Wow Naruto, do you WANT to get the bus driver pissed?" Ino hisses at me as the bus driver sends a deadly glare my way. "Maybe I DO!" I say, challenging Ino. "Well then maybe you should keep your mouth _shut!_"

"But I WON'T!"

"Do you want to get kicked off of the bus, _again?" _

I pause for a bit and smile as the memory invades my head,

**-FLASHBACK-**

_Naruto was currently talking to all of her friends on the bus, they were in 10__th__ grade, and everything was peaceful; that was until Ino stole her homework!_

"_INO GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKIN' HOMEWORK!!!" _

"_NEVER!" Ino yelled as she ducked from a fist that Naruto suddenly swung at her. _

"_YOU BETTER, BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS!" _

"_Hey, will you two keep it quiet please?" The bus driver said, this bus driver was a very nice and tolerable lady named Amy; of course, the nice ones always go unnoticed…_

"_TRY IT, NARUTO!" _

"_HYAH!!!" Naruto said as she swung her leg around in an awesome 360 kick. Well, it was awesome until she fell on her ass. _

"_OWWW!" Ino said as Naruto kicked her on the side of her head. _

_Now, Amy was having a dreadful day, her 4-year-old had refused to go to the daycare center, screaming that the people there were evil people with no souls or compassion for child hood that would end all too soon. And her 12-year-old was going through a stage of angst and was bitching about how the world was against her and about how the world would fall to her feet._

"_YOU TWO FIGHTING IN THE BACK, NO MORE, I MEAN IT!" _

_This time they both heard her and they sat down, they both started whispering and when Naruto said (quite loudly) "Man what a bitch." Amy blew it. She pulled over, even though there was only about 4 blocks until school and opened up the door,_

"_Out, both of you." Amy growled at the two teens._

"_B-but." Naruto said. _

"_I SAID OUT!" _

_So like two rabbits Ino and Naruto scurried off the bus fear evident in both of their eyes. They stood shivering in the cold weather. _

"_AND NEVER GET ON THIS BUS AGAIN!" _

_The door of the bus was closed and the humongous bright yellow vehicle shuddered away and down the street, _

"_Look what you did Ino! Now we are BOTH going to be late!" _

"_Yeah, like it was my fault!" _

"_IF ONLY YOU HAD GIVEN ME BACK MY FUCKING HOMEWORK!!!" _

**-END FLASHBACK-**

"You have to admit that it WAS sort of fun." I whisper to Ino who giggles.

"Yeah, it was." After about 30 minutes of bus-riding, we finally got to our destination of school. We both walk to our lockers where we greet Hinata, (by bribery and a bit of luck at poker we were able to get lockers side by side) Hinata waves and says, "So band practice?" Ino nods, "Tonight at 6, my house."

"Awesome." Hinata says, Kiba slides up by her and snakes an arm around her waist, "'Sup baby?" He says as he gives her a kiss.

Ino and I grimace; we are both SINGLE and PROUD! "Do you guys have to start going at it in front of us?" I ask as I shield my innocent eyes from the sight. "S-sorry." Hinata stutters as she pulls away.

"Aww, why'd you have to ruin it virgin? I was getting lucky!"

"KIBA!" Hinata scolds as she starts walking away, "No sex tonight for you!"

"Aww, babe don't be like that, Hinata! HINATA!" Kiba starts to run after her frantically.

I sigh at Kiba's stupidity. I mean seriously, Hinata wasn't very shy anymore, sure she still stuttered when embarrassed, but Hinata was proud of who she was now instead of taking every negative comment her family threw at her to heart. I look around and spot a familiar red head. "HEY KYUUBI GET YOUR UGLY ASS OVER HERE!" I yell. "WHATEVER VIRGIN BITCH!"

"JUST BECAUSE YOU GOT RAPED IN THE THIRD GRADE BY YOUR TEACHER DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WANT THE SAME THING TO HAPPEN TO ME!"

"YOUR JUST JEALOUS THAT I CAN GET SOMETHING WHILE YOU CAN'T, AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THAT THIRD GRADE TEACHER WAS _HOT_!"

"YEAH YOUR THIRD GRADE TEACHER WAS A PRETTY GOOD LOOKING **MAN**!"

"BETTER THAN ANY MAN YOU'LL EVER GET!"

"OH I DISAGREE; YOUR MOM'S VERY HANDSOME."

Everyone in the hall had gathered around to watch the awesome spectacle that was happening before them, who would win? Their heads darted towards me when I replied to Kyuubi's pathetic insults. But the match was soon broken up as Mr. Itachi walked down the hall. He paused slightly when he was by me, but quickly resumed.

After about 10 minutes after Mr. Itachi passed Kyuubi sauntered up to me and whispered, "I think Mr. Itachi is after your ass." I look at him for a moment before whispering back, "I know, he kissed me." "Whoa, seriously?" "Yeah." "OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG, YOU SHOULD SO TOTALLY HOOK UP WITH HIM!!" Kyuubi said jumping around doing a perfect imitation of the Banshee.

Yes. You see, Sakura is known throughout the school as the easiest person to get "with", earning her the nick name whore and slut, but her voice which was as melodic as the sound of fingernails on a chalk board got her the name of the Banshee. Yes, THE Banshee. With a capital "b" for Bitch. The Bitchy Banshee.

Anyway, so then my nice friend the bell signaled that it was time for me to get my ass to my class (Heh, heh, I be rhyming) before I was late and Itachi gave me a detention, which will no doubt lead to…BAD MENTAL IMAGES. So I burst through the door and walk to my seat, but before I sit down I see a bright pink whoopee cushion. I scoffed, amateurs. I mean anyone who is dumb enough to play that stupid of a trick on me, the one who invented it (not really) had to be as stupid as Sakura!

"_Oh yeah…Sakura." _

Then I had a great idea, I mean not like I don't get those everyday, but still it was like…EPIC with a capital E-P-I-C. So I take the whoopee cushion off and put it in Mr. Itachi's seat. Oh yes, Sakura's plan will succeed, just not in the manner she wanted it too.

Finally Sakura entered whispering to her band of sluts, I mean friends, anyway, Mr. Itachi entered and being the stoic man he is sat down on his chair. And for the third time this week a loud farting noise erupted.

Only this time, since the Banshee's parents are rich, the fart sounded more like a volcano or something. Seriously, it was like a totally loud farting noise, I noticed Sakura staring at me, so I pretended to hide my face in hands like I was embarrassed or something.

This caused Sakura to go on her victory rant,

"HAHAHAHAHAH! I knew my plan would work! YES I WAS THE ONE WHO PUT THE WHOOPEE CUSHION THERE! IT WAS MY GENIUS, MINE!"

She continued to laugh, even though the room was deathly silent I mean, how dull can you get. Seriously, people say _I'm_ slow? Pfft, they don't know the meaning of slow.  
Anyway, Mr. Itachi sat up with a scary face and tugged the bright pink whoopee cushion off of his seat.

"So this whoopee cushion is yours?"

"YES, YES!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Haruno, go to the principal's office."

Sakura suddenly stopped laughing and asked, "Why?" God, she's so fucking stupid.

"Because you took one step too far. GET THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE RIGHT NOW!" Itachi said his voice trembling with pure rage. Sakura eeped and ran out, her fake water boobs bouncing, up and down, up and down. I have just been mentally scarred, along with the rest of the class.

I blink my eyes. The image is so blinding. It hurts, MY EYES, MY EYES! I start to tremble. Kyuubi called out, "I think I need to see the nurse." Mr. Itachi, whom was also blinded just nodded, his eyes just staring out into space.

**Are you ready for EXTREME Sakura bashing? **

**-Narrator's POV-**

Sakura walked quietly into the principal's office for the third time that week, the shrink walked passed her, and she failed to notice that heavy bandages had been placed around his eyes. Shizune saw her and covered her eyes and screamed. She stumbled into Tsunade's office for protection.

"Sakura again, correct?"

Shizune nodded. Tsunade sighed, she pulled out a pair of extremely dark blindfolds, she passed one to Shizune and tied one around her on eyes.

"Okay, I'm prepared, send her in."

"God send Tsunade-sama."

"I need it."

Shizune told her to go in and Sakura walked in quietly. "Hello Ban-I mean Sakura."

"Hello Tsunade-sama."

"So what happened this time?"

Sakura broke down, "Well, I tried to play revenge on that blond haired whore (WHO'S THE TRUE WHORE HERE SAKURA?) and I got sent here, why does the world hate me?"

"_Oh I can point out a few things, but it might take the whole day." _Tsunade thought but she shook her head and said, "Well Sakura I would send you to the shrink, but unfortunately he asked me not to send you to him until he can find a way to have his memories erased.

"Oh," Sakura giggles, "Was he blinded by my beauty?"

"…Along the lines of that."

"That makes me feel tons better! Thank you Tsunade-sama!"

"Yes now run along and try not to cause and earthquake this time."

"I'll try my best!"

**Are you ready for EXTREME Sakura bashing? **

**WHOOT Another chapter out, anyway I have tests and school so please note that I can only update once in a blue moon. **

**Soo…tell the moon to become emo or something. **

**Sasuke: Being a brooding emo brat is MY thing. **

**Sakura: OH SASUKE-KUN YOU ARE THE KING OF EMO-NESS RUN AWAY WITH ME SO WE CAN MAKE HORRIBLE PINK HAIRED ARROGANT EMO BABIES! **

**Me: And that's why Sakura is perfect for Lee. **

**Lee: I am so attracted to her because she is the only woman that was able to blind and defeat me in battle! **


	8. Unappreciated Poet

**99 Point 9 Percent Guaranteed **

**By: xxtarragonxx **

**Warnings: See earlier chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, if I did, there would be some Uke!Naru loving…and I probably would've made him a girl. xD **

**AN: OMFG. Dx I am so sorry. I bet you all hate me now. I just can't keep up with everything. D; TESTS AND ME ARE NOT FRIENDS NOT FRIENDS AT ALL. **

**Naruto: Or you just forgot about Fanfiction. **

**Me: -puffs up- I DID NOT. **

**Gaara: Then what do you call typing this up over the course of like what, SIX MONTHS. e.o **

**Me: WRITER'S BLOCK. –nice guy pose- **

**Sasuke: Hnnnnnnnnnn. **

**Naruto: Sasuke said, "Liar". **

**Me: TELL SASUKE I DON'T SPEAK HN SO STFU. D: **

**So then, there are some people that reviewed that I need to recognize. 8D **

**EDelta88- Yeah, that sounds about right. If you have a problem then you don't have to read this story. XD I did not put a gun to your head and saw "READ THIS SHIT NOW"… not yet anyway. – **

**Ame Kakou- Gah I dunno, as soon as Sasuke left Konoha I was like, "I don't like you, so I'm going to make fun of you. **

**Stealthclaw- Yes, Kyuubi owns socks. **

………………………………………………………………**..**

**Naruto POV**

Well. Here I am, blind as a bat. All because of that fat, unattractive, banshee. I should sue! Wouldn't you? And it doesn't help that I am in Anko's class. It actually sucks. A lot. We tried to get her to sympathize with us, but it didn't work. She has never seen Sakura like…._that_ before. I just shudder. Seriously, the mere memory of that horrifying event makes me want to gorge my eyes out and feed it to a cow. Then we felt deep vibrations rumbling through the ground. Oh great. Sakura was coming.

She burst through the door and flounced happily in. FLOUNCED, meaning that everything was everywhere, you have no idea. It was madness! (No it was Sparta!) Sorry, I couldn't resist. She screeched out, "I'm back and I feel a lot better." You know, it might be hard to believe that Sakura was a bit pretty once. Until of course Sasuke sexed her up, then she was in a desperate flurry to please him and well….SHE GOT ONE TOO MANY OPERATIONS DONE. Let's put it that way.

So now because of Sasuke, I guess. We're stuck with this evil, water-boob, earthquake inducing, and eye burning banshee. Damn you Sasuke, damn you. Anko covered her eyes and stumbled. "Oh god, oh god, this is worse than that time when I was…never mind." She says, "Finish your stuff, I have a sudden impulse to see the doctor and have my memories erased."

Of course as soon as Anko left, everything went crazy. You know, and having nothing better to do I spy on Karin and Sakura. "So gurrlee," Karin drawled out, god she's stupider than a monkey…and trust me…I know monkeys. Long story, don't want to go there, "Diishh, totally tell me allll that went dowwwwnnnn." Sakura beamed, "Well first, Tsunade-sama reassured me beauty, like I needed her to (insert hair flip and boob jiggle) , then as I was walking…" Walking? I gag, more like…using her weight to gain velocity and fling down the halls at an incredible speed.

"…down the hall to get my clazzz." No I'm not joking you, that's how she says "class". "-Sasikay-cooon approached meee and asked me to the dance next week." I snort; they actually make a pretty good couple. I pictured their future child. I figure it would look something like a pink walrus with a duck butt hairstyle…and of course the patented Uchiha glare.

Giggle giggle snort snort. I can't help it, I try to contain it, but I burst in a fit of probably unhealthy laughter. Everyone stops their conversations to turn and stare at me. My fox tail wraps protectively around my waist as I manage to choke out among my giggles the words "Pink walrus." Of course it made no sense. But being the brilliant person I was, I instantly thought of a diversion! "HOLY MOTHER-FUCKING JEEBUS! A FLYING COW WEARING A PINK TUTU DANCING A SLOW WALTZ!!" I flail helplessly for a bit.

The only person who really looked was Sakura…of course. But then, some poor sap (bless his stupid soul) chuckled and pretty soon the whole class was chuckling. It was only until there was two minutes left that I looked at the assignment on the board, "Think of your own simile and have it deal with emotions." I roll my eyes and take out a sheet of paper.

I quickly write down. **Sex is like chess, it sucks. **And turn it in. My eyes are watery now damnit. That line was pure poetry. I mean, I can't even believe it. I'm like Edgar Allen Poe or something, you know the guy who wrote the Crow? …..That doesn't sound right, but who cares? So it is official I am an unappreciated poet. I pull a beret off the head of a freshman and put it on my own head, I start snapping my fingers.

**-With The Freshman- **

Now some dumb-ass senior just took my beret, crap that was my last one! Why are poets so unappreciated? I snap my fingers as I ponder my next poem.

_Roses are red, _

_Violets are death, _

_Look out, _

_Or this might be your last breath. _

Holy crap, this poem's going to be more famous than the Raven! Everyone is dying over this new-age emo/goth shit now-a-days.

**-Back With Naruto- **

_Haikus are easy _

_But they don't always make sense _

_Refrigerator. _

"JESUS I AM SO GOOD AT THIS STUFF!" I exclaim snapping my fingers again. My beret-wearing and finger-snapping however draws a weird crowd towards me. They were wearing all black and had tilted berets like me. They drawled out in weird voices, "What wonderful creation have you written?" I raise an eyebrow and shove my papers towards them. They stare at it for a second before the leader snaps her fingers, "It's been a whillle since we've seeen someone of yooour talleent. Feel free to joiiin usss durrring poeettrry readdding afffterrr school."

I blink. So I was seriously good at this shit. Honest to god. Serious to Jeebus. No shit. I scratch the back of my head, "Yeah, I'm totally the greatest." The unappreciated poet(s )looked at her, "No fucking shit." They nodded, and then dispersed as Sasori-sensei walked into the room.

Sasori was supposedly a famous hip-hop dancer and artist. What a fucked up combination, right? So he invented the dance called "The Puppet" which was a "modern" version of the robot. Haha. No not really. Oh, lemme tell you who's in my class right now! I actually sit by girly-man! Or Neji, but whatever, girly-man sounds better. Oh and then he was also famous for making puppets.

What a coincidence! Anyway, I smile at Neji who nods in return. What's with these rich people and their, "Must be formal. Is not programmed for fun" attitude? I guess I don't mind girly-man. I mean, we don't talk much, but at least he's not hovering over me and saying, "NARUTO, I WANTS YOUR VIRGINITY!"

I look to the front of the class. And listen for once. "Today class, we are going to work on paintings. These will be judged along with Deidara-sensei's class." Okay, so Deidara and Sasori, all over each other, but rivals at the same time. It's kind of obvious, I mean, Deidara calls Sasori MASTER. I mean, how obvious do you want to be? But Deidara was supposedly a rocker and a sculpture artist. So they naturally hate each other.

Love hate relationships make me giggle. So then Sasori sets us to work. I love painting, it is a secret passion of mine. Kind of. I've never really put much thought into what I do. But since I have pride…kind of…shut up, I decided to make this painting my best instead of average! Smiling I sketch out what I'm going to paint and get to work. By the end of the period Sasori calls us up to "introduce" our paintings.

Gaara painted a bloody bathroom, it was eerie but totally cool at the same time. Maybe I should get to know Gaara, he can't be all that bad. Then my name was called, I walk to the front of the room and put my picture on display. Everyone gasps.

My picture was of a beautiful red Kitsune huddling in the corner of an alley. She was surrounded by a lazy-looking deer, a maroon raccoon (I just can't stop myself from rhyming, god!), two impassive looking black cats with red eyes (one slightly larger than the other), and a raven.

"I call this picture. Fox Huddling In Corner. It's pretty self-explanatory."

Then the bell rings, so I grab my crap and dash out of the room. While I was walking down the hall Gaara stopped me, "That was a great…painting Uzumaki." I grin at him, "Thanks yours was eerie but awesome as well." "…." "Talkative, aren't you?" "I like to eat ewoks." "Whoa, did you just attempt at a joke?" "That's correct." I laugh.

"You're pretty funny! Maybe you're not so scary after all."

Gaara shrugged, "I guess."

Then I see Neji (girly-man) walking just across the hall-way along with Shikamaru, they seemed to be conversing silently with each other. Suddenly Sasuke slides between me and Gaara from wherever he was hiding. "So then Naruto, did you hear about me asking Sakura to the dance?" "Yeah, I'm happy for you. Maybe you can convince her to go back in time and stop her from having those operations, you have a time machine don't you?"

"Dobe, no such thing exists." "Then we're fucked." "Hn, I guess we are."

I look in horror at Sasuke. Did he just try to act nice? I gasp before gagging and point an accusing finger at him, "THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE TAPPING THIS!" Then I run off. I can hear Sasuke mutter a string of words I thought no rich kid should speak before turning around and walking in the opposite direction.

**-Narrator's POV- **

"Mommy, what do those words mean?"

"Well honey, you see, shit can express a variety of things…."

……………………………………………………………

**AN: I thought I might never write the ending note. T.T **

**Jeremy: And, for those of you that know Mr. N, he's moving! **

**Mr. N: D: I need to go learn. **

**Me: YOU CAN'T GO. I FORBID CHUU. …… He already left, didn't he? **

**Everyone Else: Yup. **

**-Tarra (I know, I'm so dead. T.T) **


	9. Sex Squad

**99 Point 9 Percent Guaranteed **

**By: xxtarragonxx **

**Warnings: See previous chapters because I'm getting lazy. :P **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own ANY lyrics or Naruto. :3 **

**AN: Why have I sprung forth with this oh-so-shiny new chapter? WELL IT'S ALL THANKS TO PALADIN-KRISS. Who has reviewed my crap for the like 100****th**** time. XD THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND THEN REVIEWING MY CRAP. Haha, you pwn so much, like seriously. **

_**So this chapter is dedicated to him (Paladin_kriss) and all of my other faithful reviewers! O: This is also dedicated to EDelta88- whom I misinterpreted. XD Sorry for that, I'm horribly sensitive. **_

**Yeah, and she isn't twisted enough to be like Poe, but she's dense enough to believe that she's as great as him. **

**AND I'M TORN BETWEEN ITANARU, SHIKANARU, SAINARU, AND GAANARU. D; (possibly SasuNaru, just not sure.) **

**Help me decide? And to help you help me decide I'm going to have hot moments between all of them. ;D Guess who's first? **

**:3 And now, I am going to recognize people and respond to their reviews. **

_**Paladin-kriss**_**- O.O HAGRID HAS ROCK HARD BUNS. Odd, I always thought they would be flabby. XD **

_**Soul-Girl**_**- Thank you! –triumphantmusic- **

_**1-800-Suicide**_**- XD Sure he's hot, but he kills Itachi and then goes AGAINST his wishes and is all like "I'm going to kill Konoha." And I'm like flailing at his stupidity. **

_**Exhale Vanilla Lace**_**- I'm glad I do. XD **

_**Gaara-Girls**_**- Like I said, I'm really torn right now. D; **

_**Otaku96**_**- Me too, hence why I decided to write Fem!Naru stories. **

_**My name IS a flower**_**- Google it. XD And laugh. They are some type of furry creatures that are in some nerd movie. e.o I dunno. **

_**-777blackfox777**_**- - 8D Well be glad you didn't have to wait THAT long! **

_**Blue-white cuddly bear**_**- -bows- Thank you so much. **

_**Bloody Midnight**_**- XD Thanks a lot, and here's the soon-ish update! **

_**Icestar-0**_** – O: Who made you read Romeo and Juliet? I could never read it. Shakespeare is way too confusing. D; **

… **I can't believe how much smilies I've just used. O: **

………………………………………………………………………………………**.**

**-Gaara's POV- **

**AFTER SCHOOL ;D **

I don't know what makes me want to talk to Uzumaki, maybe it's the way she seems so different from other girls. Sure, she's dense but it's actually kind of charming. I always seem to think about her as I sharpen my knife. I call my knife Betty. She's so shiny, and lightweight. I take it and I look at the object of target. It lays motionless. Perfect, I take it and plunge it in with a _THWOCK_.

….which sounds kind of stupid, but whatever. So I start carving this log. ….What did you think I was plunging my knife into? I'm not that psycho you know. What type of sick demented person starts carving statues out of flesh? Anyway, I'm actually very artistic, whenever I'm not beating someone up, threatening my older sister's boyfriends, or simply hitting someone because they were in my way, I am doing something artistic.

And don't you dare ever call me a fucking pansy for liking art. Unless you live near an emergency room, or better yet, one of your parents is an EMT or something. Now back on the topic of Uzumaki, I don't know really, something compels me to want to be nice to her. It's so weird. I look back down at the log.

It looks like Uzumaki's face now. I groan. It was then that Temari stepped outside. She took one look at the carving and scoffed, "Dude, that's beyond obsessive, you know? Pretty soon you're going to start following her home and sleeping under the foundation of her house. You need help bro." I smirk a bit, "How many people have said the same thing to me and how many times have I listened?" Temari pulls out a book, and counts up the tally marks. I blink. What. The. Fuck? Seeing my obvious confusing Temari shows me the cover of the bright red notebook it read: **How Many Times People Have Told Gaara He Needs Help And How Many Times He's Listened. **

"Very funny. I think my sides are going to split in laughter." "They shouldn't, this is very serious little brother." She counts up over 5 pages filled to the last line with tally-marks. She looks gravely at me, "Little brother, you have been told to get help over 9850394 times and you have listened ZERO times." "_Exactly_." Temari rolls her eyes, "Whatever, you still need help." "Still not listening." "That's another mark!" "Like I care."

**-Naruto's POV- **

"WHOOOO! It's time for banndd practicccee!" I scream as I run around in circles. Ino rolls her eyes, "Calm down Naruto." I stop in my tracks, "CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN? IT'S TIME FOR PRACTICE AND YOU TELLS US TO CALM DOWN?! VERY NICE PRECIOUS, VERY NICE INDEED, SHAROOONNNNN I'M SO CONFUSED!**(AN: XD I actually said that once)**" I scream as I start rolling around on the ground.

Hinata exits the bathroom, "Chill out Naruto." She says calmly. Yeah, one might think she'd be all like, "N-n-naruto-chan, p-p-please calm th-th-the fuck d-d-down." And then faint from cussing. But no, during band practice Hinata was totally awesome and confident. Seriously, music is like ecstasy to us. We loved writing music, playing music, listening to music. If music was a man we would probably like doing music.

Music is love. And if you try to argue with me, then….then… I dunno what I'll do really, but it'll hurt. And probably have something to do with jamming my guitar up your ass and screaming "DO YOU LIKE IT NOW?" Whoa. Whoa. WHOA. Never mind. I didn't realize how sick that sounded. Sorry, anyway, moving on, we all moved down into the basement where Kiba resided, setting up and tuning his drums.

Ino plugged in her bass and Hinata set up her keyboard/synthesizer thing, I smile, "WE'RE SO READY TO ROCK THIS BASEMENT!" Hinata smiled and we fell into our first song, called Bring Me To Life. There are no words to describe this song. We all did our parts perfectly and executed everything with ease. We had practiced this song many times before.

_-TIMESKIP (because I'm lazy like that)- _

"That was one hell of a practice, wasn't it?" Kiba asked me. "HELLS YEAH IT WAS." I say, we were just packing up all of our shit when Iuka came down in a frilly pink apron. I stifle a laugh behind my hand. "Naruto, you have a visitor at the door!" "Okay, I'll be right up Iruka-chan." Iruka's face turns bright red as he yells, "SHUT UP, IT WAS A GIFT FROM KAKASHI."

Silence. "A gift…from…Kakashi?" Ino said slowly, breaking the tense silence. Man, you would not believe the fucking look on Iruka's face as we all stood in silence. Then we all started to laugh. "God, you finally come out with it Iruka!" I say between my fits of laughter, "You and Kakashi aren't exactly quiet when you sneak in and do the naughty-naughty in your room, WHICH IS RIGHT ACROSS THE HALL FROM MINE." Iruka's face got redder and he ran up the basement steps in a huff.

We all climbed up the steps with our instruments (except for the drum set which was left there) and stuffed them in the closet before going to the door. "Geez what took you so long, Fishcake?" I grin, "Whatever Ninetails. What are you here for anyway?" Kyuubi rummages through a bag before taking out a shiny DVD. "LORD OF THE RINGS THE TWO TOWERS!" He screams. He lets himself in, and it's then that I see who's with him. The prick, Sai. I glare at him. What business does he have letting his pansy ass into my house?! I growl. Kyuubi turns to me and grins, "Be nice Naru, he's my friend and I want you to be nice to him." I roll my eyes. Why should I be nice to a prick? God, it's not like he's nice to me! Then the prick speaks, "I'll be nice if you're nice, flat-chest." I look down at my breasts, they aren't melons, but they aren't non-existent! And at least they aren't all "IN YO FACE FOOL " like Sakura's. I glare at Sai, "Fine then, dickless (**AN:** IRONY, HAH!)" Sai leers at me and smiles, "Oh don't worry, I have one, would you like to see?"

"EWWW, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" I say as I storm into the house. Sai, still smiling follows me into the living room where Ino, Kyuubi and Kiba were setting up the movie. "I-I'm g-g-g-going to c-c-call T-t-ten-ten." I grin at her, "And don't forget Rock Lee." Hinata rolls her eyes, "Wh-wh-who w-w-w-would?" "Well you better hurry!" Kyuubi says. It's then that Ten-ten with her arms wrapped around Rock Lee walks into the living room. We all stare at her. "What? Bad timing?" Ten-ten asks. "No actually, extremely good timing." Ino replies.

"Whatever, the movie's starting!" Kyuubi squealed (guys can squeal?). And sure enough the movie had started. We all sat down simultaneously as we watched Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn track Merriadoc and Pippin. Iruka gave us a bowl of popcorn before he flitted up towards the bedroom. No doubt to have phone sex with Kakashi or something.

"HEY HEY, MAKE SURE TO PUT ON A PHONE CONDOM!" I yell up the stairs. "Wh-wh-what?!?!" Iruka stutters out. I roll my eyes, it's obvious.

"Ahhh, Aragorn is so hot." Ino sighs, I smirk, "Nu-uh, LEGOLAS IS WHERE IT'S AT." TenTen nods her head in agreement as Hinata just blushes and stutters. "I-I-I-I p-p-prefer G-g-gimli." "WHOA, HINATA. Aiming a little low there….literally." TenTen says grinning like mad. "**I THINK IT'S YOUTHFUL OF HINATA-CHAN TO LIKE THE UNDERDOG! THE ONE THAT WORKS HARD. YOOOOUUUUTHHHH!!!!**"

And well, we all know who said that. Kyuubi shakes his head, "Nu-uh, I heard that Merry is the one packing it, if you know what I mean." He said nudging me with his elbow. "…..Gollum." is all Sai says. And we all laugh, I mean, seriously, Gollum? I would've expected him to say Gandalf more than Gollum. Sai just stares. He obviously doesn't know how to interact with others. Poor him. "I feel sorry for you, Sai." I blurt out. And everything seemed to pause as they all turned to stare at me. No shit, like the world stopped and they all rotated their bodies to face me.

So I start to explain myself. "Well, you're socially awkward, your smiles are fake stop shitting us we can all tell, you constantly insult people, you carry around a weird book labeled "Emotions For The Emotionless" I mean, what the crap, seriously, and to top it all off, you're an asshole to compensate for the dick you'll never have." "Ouch." TenTen says. "Yeah dude, that was way to harsh." "Whatever, it needed to be said. And I said it, like it's a big deal that someone calls him out on his faults." Kyuubi suddenly hugs me, "MY BABY IS GROWING UP." "I know right, the years just fly by." "But you still need to apologize to Sai!" "I REFUSE." "Really?" "Yes, really." "Then we have to do it the hard way."

They all stand up at the same time and like it was rehearsed and they push me and Sai into a closet. Damn them all. "Well this sucks." I whisper. Sai smiles down at me, and what's odd is, it doesn't seem fake. "I don't mind it at all, I'm sitting in a closet with one of the most interesting and pretty girls I know." I blush, "Pretty?" "Sure, beautiful." "Why are you calling me this when you were calling me mean names earlier?" Sai looks at me seriously, "The book said that sometimes when a person likes another person they tease them." "Oh really?" "Chapter 41, Romance."

Wow, I didn't know Sai could be this nice. I smile up at him and he leans down and our lips brush momentarily. It's nice and soft, yet mind-blowing. This is what a first kiss should be like. Not some stupid accidental thing that caused the touching of the lips between two people. We pull apart, both very inexperienced in the love-making department. Wait, how could he be inexperienced if he didn't have his tails and ears. I peer up at him, "Sai? What was it like…losing your tails and ears?" "Rough and unemotional." "Sounds exciting." "Not really, it wasn't special, just a girl and me who were both tired with our ears and tails so the deed was done." "What about you know….like pleasure?" Sai looks down at me, "Well not as pleasurable as a first time should be." He leans down again. "Hold the lips lover-boy. I'm not sure about this yet, but I like you and you're hot, so that's working out in your favor." Sai nods, "I understand….sort of, tell me when you're ready?" "If I'm ever ready." I mumble. "Don't worry, it will just take a couple of weeks…or months…or YEARS. Geez, why haven't you been laid yet?" "SHUT UP!" I bang on the door, "We're ready to come out now."

Kyuubi swings open the door and grins, "So did you apologize and have great sex?" "No." "Good because NO ONE NEEDS TO GROW UP FAST."

**Quick Interlude With The Sex Squad **

That's right kids; you should never be in a hurry to grow up. Especially where being intimate is concerned, children these days want to be adults. But they don't know what being an adult means. It means bills, work, and kids. That's right, kids of your own. That's why you should never have sex until you're ready, or better yet, hold it until you're married. Now this doesn't mean you marry the first person that gets your….anatomy worked up now. Marriage is a sacred thing and you should never marry for sex, it goes against the bible and Jesus. You don't want to get Jesus mad, now do you? (-insert head nod-) Good, that being said, if you can't wait until marriage be sure to use the magical thing they call a condom.

But condoms can't protect against the diseases that come with having sex. Like ear-loss or cherrypoposis, these are serious conditions that need to be taken into consideration when you have sex. And be sure to be vaccinated and checked up regularly. Remember if you get pregnant, there's no turning back, abortion is against religion and Jesus and is very similar to murder. Now run along and go to those crazy parties, but remember this talk.

**Interlude Over **

Okay so I have a couple words to add to that.

"What…the fuck?"

Ino blinks, "It's weird being cut off like that." "Yeah," Kyuubi agrees, "You know Tarra, that was uncalled for and I'm hurt because now I can't remember what funny thing I was going to say!" "Yeah, and that's a load of bull you know? Sounds like those guys are 40 year old virgins." "You know, Juno turned out okay, I don't really see the point."

………………………………………………………………………………………**.**

**Naruto: Honestly? You had to involve the Sex Squad? That doesn't even sound like a group against sex, it sounds like…an orgy or something! **

**Tarra: I know, I'm sorry, are you guys okay? **

**Paladin-kris: Yeah I'm fine, just **_**bleeding from my bloody ears!**_

**Tarra: Good to know. **

**Reviews= LOVE LOVE LOVE and an orgasm. **

**I'm aiming to get over 1000 reviews on this story. **

**I know I'm shooting for the moon, but yeah. **


	10. Green Rhino

**99.9 Percent Guaranteed **

**By: xxtarragonxx**

**Warnings: See previous chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own ANY OF THIS. D= **

**AN: So, haha, XD I keep on disappearing for a while then like reappearing later. **

**Yeah, sorry about that. ANYWAY, I should probably continue dodging these bricks and writing the chapter. **

………………………………………………………………

Naruto POV 

I wake up with a giant smile on my face. I get ready with a giant smile on my face. I walk in school _early_ with a giant smile on my face. Yeah, right now you're probably thinking "What the fuck is up with this crazy, psycho, delusional, all smiles blonde?" Well, if you can remember the last chapter I had found myself a potential person to lose my virginity too. Yeah, that's right, I'm so going compile a list and hold like a fucking lottery or something. I could make thousands of dollars off of my virginity now that I think about it. ANYWAY, I was walking down the halls when I spy Sasuke muttering to himself in his own homeroom alone. I poke my head through the door, "You know, you could stop being an antisocial ho. Yes, I called you an antisocial ho. AND YES I KNOW WHAT ANTISOCIAL MEANS." There was an awkward pause as Sasuke stares at me with a 'what the fuck is wrong with you' expression. I pout, turn around, and continue to walk through the halls.

I soon spot Gaara acting all badass by his locker, I wave and he nods at me. "What's up, Gaara?" He stared at me for a bit before pulling something out of his backpack and shoving it into my arms. I stare down at it and realize it was a carving…of me. "Aw, this is both romantic and creepy at the same time. I mean, I don't know if I should slap you or kiss you!" "The latter is preferred." Gaara says lowly. I grin up at him, "What about a big hug!?" Gaara takes a step back. "Yeah, that's what I thought!" I mock, sticking out my tongue. "Oh, oh, oh! I know, I can add you to the list!" Gaara raises a non-existent eyebrow, "List?" I put the carving in one and start to rummage through my backpack, damnit, where is it? "Aha!" I exclaim pulling out a bright orange notebook. "Have a pen?" I ask, Gaara nods and hands me a red editing pen. "Awesome," I smile as I jot down his name right below Sais'.

Gaara's curious, I can feel his stare. So I turn around and flash (not like, in the sick "OMG LOOK AT MY BOOOBZ" way, Jesus, get a life, I'm not Sakura...) the notebook at him. He stares at the title.

Gaara POV 

I stare at Uzumaki's notebook and read the title. **The People That Might Possibly Have A Chance At My Virginity Maybe. **Holy Satan, what was up with people and their long ass titles for lists? I trail my eyes down the paper, and I see my name and a different person's. I glare at his name for a while. _**Sai…wait…what was his last name again? **_So Mr. Wait What Was His Last Name Again thinks he can win over Naruto's virginity. Never. "Excuse me, Uzumaki. I have an important…meeting to attend to." (insert knuckle crack) "Yeah, yeah, I got to set up my next prank anyway." And with that me and Uzumaki turn around and start walking in the opposite directions.

Sakura POV 

Oh my, I wonder if I'm showing enough of my breasts for Sasuke-kun! I tug down my too short shirt down so that my beautiful breasts are practically in Sasuke's face! He won't be able to resist me today! My discount plastic surgeon did wonders. I'm thinking of getting a(nother) nose job done. I heard that Sasuke likes rounder noses, mine's a little too pointy. Oh and maybe I can get a tummy tuck too. I raise a graceful (snort) hand and push a couple of soft strawberry locks behind my right ear. How Sasuke could want anyone other than me I'll never know. I walk into homeroom and see Itachi-sensei staring at me. Probably admiring my beauty, I sit in my seat and that's when it happened. A giant bucket fell on my head and I screamed in horror, maybe Sasuke would save me! "Oh godddd it's eating my brain! Saasssuukkeeee-coooonnn saavee meeeeee."

"Haruno there's no need to interrupt the class with your stupid ramblings." Itachi-sensei drones. I tug the bucket off my head and see it labeled "Property of Uzumaki Naruto". "Uchiha-seeensseeei luukk at thiz!" I say pointing to the label, "That bitch shuld get in troubul nawt meeeeee!" I turn to that stupid, virgin blond and point an accusing finger at her, "YOOOUUUUUUU."

Naruto POV 

"HOPE YOU LIKE LIME GREEN HAIR, BANSHEE!" I scream back at her. I can see a tick mark on Itachi-teme's forehead. But what makes me happy is that everyone in the classroom is laughing at Sakura's ridiculous hair. Yes, I Uzumaki Naruto (the great) just dyed Sakura Haruno (the banshee)'s hair lime green. The dye also splashed a bit on her face giving her a sickly look. However though, oddly, it was an improvement. Holy crap, I should host a makeover T.V. show for like, uber-ugly sluts. Suddenly Itachi-teme stood up and glared at Sakura. "Out of the classroom." "Whaaaaaa?" "I SAID OUT, TO THE PRINCIPAL!" He roars. Even I'm slightly scared at his tone.

Then he turns on me, "I'm not going to punish you harshly because it was partly her own fault for not seeing a giant orange bucket teetering above her seat, but you have detention with me tonight." I blanch. He…he's going to rape me. I just _know_ it. I mean, it's like gut feeling. My face turns bright red in RAGE. But I keep my comments to myself, because I'm smart. "WHY DO I GET DETENTION?!?" Yeah, scratch that. I don't know, it always just bursts out. It's not fun; I think I may have a disease. "Two days of detention."

"WHAAT, THAT'S NOT FAIR!" "Three!"

…Yeah, I'm not THAT stupid; I shut up and plop down in my seat. I turn to my left to complain to Shikamaru, I mean, my friends will only insult me (great friends, right?). "Jesus, why did I get detention with the teacher I don't want to get detention with? I mean, she had it coming, and I wanted to beat Kyuubi to the punch." I whine quietly to him. He picks his head off of the table and glances around, "You were talking to me? Ah, so much trouble." I almost smack him. Okay, never mind, I smack him across the back of his head. "Jesus, is everyone but yourself troublesome." Shikamaru nodded before dropping his head back into his lap. My eye twitches dangerously.

Although, it was kind of nice for a change, you know, him being a complete ass rather trying to be overly nice or an ass on purpose (Sai). He was just being himself. I give him the once over. For a guy who didn't seem to want to lift a finger, much less work out, he was pretty fit. "Hmm I'll think about it." Shikamaru glanced my way in confusion and I just grin. Let him think for once.

Then the bell rings and I hop out of my seat as I walk my way towards the door, the calendar catches my eye, and I see that in 4 days it would be winter break. Which meant new schedules. I punch my fist into the air and glance back at Itachi. Maybe with the right amount of persuasion and cunning I would be able to switch homerooms. I grin. Yes, a plan was already forming in my head.

Hopefully I would be rid of one psycho!

Sai POV 

I was walking around minding my own business when I bump into Gaara. I heard about him from some rambling girl apparently he was supposed to be really tough. He was glaring at me and I almost laugh when I realize I am taller than him. I snort, tough my pale Asian dick. "I have a question for you." Gaara growls out. I nod, "What is it Gaara-san?" "Oh don't _Gaara-san_ me, what the fuck where are you doing on Uzumaki Naruto's list?" I of course have no idea what he's talking about, but to be a jackass I just smirk.

He cracks his knuckles and takes a step towards me. My smirk widens. "Midget." I say tauntingly. His face cracks into a smile, a really creepy smile.

And well it turns out that midgets hurt a lot.

I was a quivering pile of goo after he was finished with me. And not in the pile of goo that girls become after Sasuke-san winks at them or something, I mean the bad kind. He crushed my bones, grinded them into paste and all in one paragraph. Yeah, ouch. Oh well, at least I still have my dick. I think.

Kyuubi POV

I am furious. Naruto was able to pull "Make Pink Rhino- Green Rhino" before me! Damn E-bay and their slow ass way of shipping things. I even used express. I groan. Now I need to think of a new prank. I hate that Naruto and I think exactly the same. Wait. To beat Naruto to a prank is to think differently.

Oh my god, I'm so fucking smart. I pause in my walking down the hall and lean my head against the wall (Naruto's not the only one that can rhyme, dammit). Hmm, what should I do? Then suddenly it hit me. I knew exactly what to do.

………………………………………………………………

**Whoo! Finally got this done. XD Sorry for taking a while, my brain was filled with sleaze because I was forced to go to Las Vegas. Yeah. IT WASN'T FUN. It was actually quite horrible. **

**Paladin: So what, I'm like a permanent thing here now? **

**Tarra: Nah, I'll probably get tired of this a couple of chapters down. **

**Paladin: So I should enjoy it while it lasts? **

**Tarra: Yeah. **

**Paladin: :D **

**Tarra: What was with the emoticon? **

**Paladin: Nothing at all. :D **

**Tarra: Alright, if you say so. –walks off- What the fuck?! –suddenly trips and falls into a vat orange dye- …Okay where the fuck did you get the orange dye? **

**Paladin: -shrug- It's the AN, we have everything here. **

**Tarra: And how –points to giant vat- did that get there? **

**Paladin: I don't fucking know! You're the one that writes these lame-ass things. **

**Tarra: Oh, yeah. ;D **

**Sasuke: -streaks across screen- **

**Naruto: -juggles pancakes while running after Sasuke with a whip- **

**Paladin: ….. **

**Tarra: I win. **

**-cough- **

**Yes, I do. :3 **

**I'm so proud of myself. **

**-pats self- **

**Also I'm starting a new story...again. XD -gets brick'd- BUT however, I won't post it until I at least have 10 chapters done. So yeah. **

**You should review. Because every time you review, **_**Daniel Radcliffe hugs a kitten.**_

**So do it. **

**DO IT. **

**-click- **


	11. Sexy Hair

**99 Point 9 Percent Guaranteed **

**By: xxtarragonxx **

**Warnings: Eh, refer to first chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. **

**AN: YES. I DID IT. I UPDATED THIS STORY BEFORE THE WEEKEND WAS OVER. I DESERVE A COOKIE. YOU SHOULD ALL GIVE ME COOKIES. **

SuN Sh0wer:** Yes, it is adorable. So creepily adorable. –twitch- AND YES, WAFFLES. I LOVE WAFFLES. Sorry Naruto, no juggling in this author's note. **

**Naruto: D= **

My name IS a flower**: I heard that like, you can't see his scar throughout the whole movie, and like when he talks to Slughorn and is all like "It was the night I got THIS." There's nothing there. It's like, the night you got a forehead? Whoo. **

**ALRIGHT. YEAH. **

**Oh and I actually have the ending to this story figured out (don't worry, I going to see if I can drag this shit out 20 more chapters. XD) BUT I think you guys are going to like it. **

**IT'S CRACKTASTIC. **

**……………………………………..**

**Naruto POV (O= DETENTION) –points at person- THIS IS FOR YOU, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! **

I sigh and lay my head down on the desk. At least I am not alone! There's a girl sitting a few desks away. After a few minutes into detention Itachi-teme leaves. Probably to watch some program where sweaty men hunt penguins or something, I turn to the pretty girl and smile at her. "Hey how are you, what's your name? I'm Naruto Uzumaki, I love ramen and foxes, and ramen, and ninjas, and orange, oh yeah and ramen especially!" Yeah, so what, I like long introductions, sue me (please don't I'm so **poor** and uh… **misfortunate**) To my surprise the "girl" answers back with one of the most manly voices I've ever heard, EVER! "Hi, I'm Haku."

I fall out of my desk, twitching. "You're…you're a boy, aren't you?" "That is correct." "A real boy, with a penis…" "Uh, if that's how you prefer to word things." "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A CHICK, BUT YOU'RE REALLY A DUDE!" "Yeah, I get that a lot." "So…does this mean…that like, having sex with you…would be like having sex with both?" "Um, I haven't given thought to that because no one has really asked me that before." "Alright then."

We drift into a kind of uncomfortable silence. "Uh…Haku?" "…Yes?" "Can I…do your hair?" "WHAT?" "Yeah, you know like braid it and uh, stuff." "Oh…uh, I guess." "Cool!" And with that I hop over to Haku, pull out a couple of rubber bands and grin deviously.

**Narrator POV **

Itachi was just walking back after watching dead penguins in the teacher's lounge to dismiss his two detention students, when he hears the oddest words coming from

"_Ooh, Haku, it's so soft, I just want to touch it, it's too big though I need to make it smaller." There was a suspicious snap. And Haku groaned, "Damnit, Naru, you're a beast." "Hmm, I was surprised it fit, it just goes to show how amazing I am, right?" "I guess, it's so tight though, it hurts." "Fine you big crybaby." There was moving around and a couple of grunts from Naruto and a few whimpers from Haku. "AHH, I THINK YOU TORE SOME OUT!" Haku suddenly screamed. "Jeez, you really don't know how to do this, do you? Here, I'll stretch it for you." After that there were a few more rustling movements and finally Naruto whispered, "There Haku, is that better?" "Yes, thank you." "All right now, let's see what more I can jam in here." _

Quite red in the face, Itachi slammed the door open and said, "So I see I've caught you two in the act. Do you know it's against the RULES to do that on school property?" "…But girls do this all the time!" Naruto protested, "They're always braiding each other's hair." "I don't care ab- wait what?" For the first time Itachi took a good look at his two students. Naruto was stretching rubber bands in her right hand and held a clump of Haku's hair in her left. Haku had his hair up in bun with different colorful objects sticking out, and his left eye was visibly twitching. "Uh, never mind, you are dismissed."

"YAY!" Naruto cheered before grabbing her bag and dashing out of the door. "Naruto you forgot to take my hair down!" Haku cried after Naruto in vain. Grumbling, Haku grabbed his own bag and walked out of the door. Sighing Itachi opened the door to the classroom closet and walked in. There was a whiteboard set up in the closet and there was a list of names written in red marker. Picking up the red marker he wrote a new name on the board. Snapping the top back on, he turned off all the lights, locked the doors and began on his journey home.

On the white board it read:

**People That I Really Need To Look Out For Because They Are Interested In Naruto Almost As Much As I Am **

_Sai ,,,,,, _

_Sasuke Uchiha _

_Gaara Subaku _

_Kyuubi Kitsune _

_Haku …. _

**Naruto POV **

I walk into my home to find my arms suddenly full of my guardian. "NARUTO MUMMY MISHES YOU." I raise an eyebrow and conclude that Iruka must've dug into our sake reserves (and it kind of freaks me out because it's usually Tsunade-baachan that raids them) and had drunken himself into bliss. "…Did you and Kakashi get into a fight?" "BAAA, MEN WHO NEEDSHS THEM? IT CAN BE JUST USH GIRLSHS AND WE CAN HAVE FUN WIFOUT DUM OL KASHKI." "Yeah, you guys fought." Iruka suddenly giggled and said, "HEY REMEMBER…REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE AND YOU USHED TO ANNOUNSH _EVEEEEERRRRYYYTHING_ YOU DID? AND REMEMBER WHEN, WHEN, WHEN WE WERE AT THAT POOL AND YOU JUST CAMESH RIGHT UP TO ME AND SCREAMED. "RUKA I POO IN MY SHWIMSHUIT." AND _EVERRRYYYYYYYONNNNNE_ WAS LAUGHING AT YOU?"

I sigh and smack myself; at least we didn't have any company. I pick up Iruka and carry him up the stairs while he was singing a very off-key version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". I shove him into his room before retreating to my own. Plopping down on my own bed (with orange sheets) I smile. At least tomorrow would be good.

**Kyuubi POV **

I walk into my homeroom. Almost everything was set for tomorrow's big prank and I can't wait to see the look on Naruto's face when I finally outprank her! Naruto casually walks in and sits down at her desk. It's about two minutes before the bell when Sakura comes in. I wince. WHAT DID NARUTO CREATE? Instead of being decked out in pink, Sakura was in a short skirt and belly shirt that were both lime green. As she walked to her seat everything jiggled. EVERYTHING JIGGLED.

I start to scratch at my eyes, but then she sits down. Her chair collapses beneath her, and Sakura flew back into Karin who screamed and fell backward, creating a kind of domino effect. It is just how I imagined it, only I didn't pull it. I turn to look at Naruto, she grins and flashes a thumbs up at me.

"I thought that since we think the same, I would think differently so that you could pull cool pranks too!"

I want to cry.

**Narrator POV **

Naruto wasn't sure why Kyuubi looked so miserable but she shrugged and looked at the chaos she had caused. Itachi was just walking in when Sakura ran past him screaming, "I'M FAT AND UGLY." "_Newsflash_." Itachi mumbled under his breath before walking calmly to his desk and sitting down. The bell rang and everyone conversed silently, waiting to be dismissed to their first hour.

Naruto leaned back in her seat, after seeing Sakura cry like that she felt a bit guilty, so she decided she would apologize.

The bell ringed after thirty minutes and Naruto stood up and walked out and into the hall, she found Sakura sitting outside of the principal's office looking at the floor sadly. "Hey uh, Sakura?" Sakura narrowed her eyes. "What do you want?" "Uh, to apologize, I'm sorry, and I hope we can make a truce and become friends?" "FRIENDS? AFTER ALL OF THE AWWFUUUL THINGS YOU DID TO ME YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS? NO WAY! I'M SORRY BUT WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH A SLUT BITCH WHORE SKANK!" However Naruto hear little of these words as she was drawn away by the jiggling of Sakura's chin as she yelled.

"_Oh gross." _

"Uh, never mind." Naruto gagged, and she ran towards the nurses' office. She stumbled into the nurses office only to find a line. Shizune sighed. Damn Sakura, whenever she tried on something "sexy" she always found at least fifty kids through her office. _"I feel so sorry for them." _She thought gravely as she helped another boy clean away his barf and let him rest on one of the white beds. "Oh no, Naruto, not you too." Shizune said, fretting. "Yeah, she got me too, I thought I could hold out but then her chin...Shizune-nee, it jiggles when she yells, did you notice that?" "Uh no." "Good, never look, NEVER." Naruto whispered, with a hand covering her mouth in vain. "You know Sakura used to be a nice girl." Shizune started. Naruto waved a hand to dismiss her, "I know, that's why I blame Sasuke instead." "Really?" "Yup, it's easier that way." "Wow, you know, you really are evil for a virgin." "SHUT UP!" Naruto said puffing her cheeks out, "I, Naruto Uzumaki, hereby state that by the end of this year I will not be a virgin, even if I have to revert to forcing myself!" "....That didn't make sense." "Shut up, it wasn't supposed to."

**................................................................**

**DO I DESERVE COOKIE. **

**I DESERVE COOKIE. **

**COOKIE PLEASE? **

**:C **

**So you should review because I'm really hoping to get over 200 reviews with this chapter! –punches fist into the air- **

**OH and if you would like to contact me in any way, please PM me, I may take a while to reply, but whatever. XD **

**So yeah. **

**Do it. **

**I love you. **

**This chapter was roughly about 1,500 words long. **

**Gosh, I wish I could give you guys longer chapters. **

**-determined face- **

**I PROMISE THAT I WILL TRY TO MAKE LONGER CHAPTERS! **

**-Tarra. **


	12. Inner Muse

**99 Point 9 Percent Guaranteed **

**By: xxtarragonxx **

**Warning: See previous chapters. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. :( **

**AN: So like, I fucking KNOW it's been forever I KNOW IT'S BEEN LIKE….FIVE MONTHS, GODDAMNIT I'M SORRY. Forgive me? So I hope I didn't scare all of you away. :C BABY COME BACK…YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME! So yeah, the reason why I haven't been updating is because my internet was taken away. Yeah, my parents have always known I like guy on guy, but they really had no idea how MUCH I love it. So my mom got into my computer and saw my dirty, dirty porn, basically, she freaked and kind of took away my interweb privileges. I've only been able to get on to read Fanfiction at school and shit, so it's been horrible. LUCKILY, my friend Sharon, or Pretty Nacho on ffdotnet (ha, I recruited her, go check out Pranksterz, I find it rather funny!) has consented to me writing and saving and updating on her computer. SO KUDOS TO HER! My internet is supposed to come back next week too! So many happy things to be grateful about this holiday seasonnnn! **

_**Someone asked me what the ears and tails were about, the ears and tails symbolize a person's innocence or virginity, when they lose their virginity, the ears and tails go away. **_

_**THAT MEANS, everyone knows when you've done it for the first time, how lovely, right? I guess there is no point to it, I just think it's cute. **_

……………………………………**.**

**Naruto POV **

So like, it's official. Kakashi and Iruka are no longer together as a happy couple. Iruka has a monster hangover, and he still has decided to drag himself to work….to give us hell. I laugh as he practically glares at all of the boys and mutters stuff about men. Even though, of course he is a man. Iruka told me the story this morning while sobbing into his tea (I had seriously thought that he was going to drown!) that Kakashi confessed to him that he had feelings for another man.

Who this other man was, Iruka doesn't know. Which is probably good for the man's overall health and stuff, I mean an angry Iruka is scary. Like a type of piss-my-pants scary. Shit, I pale just thinking about it, honestly. So he springs a pop quiz on us, and I notice right away from glancing at Kiba's paper next to mine that my quiz was far less complicated. I smile, it's actually nice to have Iruka in a bloodthirsty mood every once in a while.

We are about to start the test when some idiot decided to go and raise his hand. Notice that this is a boy, with male parts. Yeah, I know, he's really stupid. I hum the funeral tune under my breath as Iruka forced a smile onto his face. "_Yes_, **boy**!" The boy looks around nervously and tugs on his collar a bit, "Um, I noticed that the girls have an easier test, just wanted to know why that is." He shrunk into his seat at the intense glare that Iruka sent towards him.

I tune out what Iruka starts to rant about and turn my attention to Sakura and Karin who were both chatting excitedly about the winter dance. The one that Sasuke had supposedly asked Sakura to.

"I STIL CANT BLEIV3 HE ASK3D U SAKURA!1!!1 WTF LOL TRUST M3 WH3N I SAY HAS HAAD OVER HELS IN LUV WIT U!!1!!1!!1 LOL AND U LOK RILLY PR3TY 2DAY 2!11!1 OMG WTF LOL" Karin exclaims, happily bouncing up and down. Sakura blushes and giggles (like she has class, pft.), "I KNOW IMM STIL SHOKED!!!!!! WTF LOL I BT AT DA DANCA HEL GAT ON ON3 KNE AND PROPOS3 2 M3 ON DA SPOT!!11!111! WTF WUT TYPES OF RNG U THINK MAH BLOVED SASUKE BUY ME?!!!!? OMG LOL" My god, I can't understand a word they're saying, it's rather amusing, it's like watching people speak a different language. It's like, I understand, but I don't understand. Hm, or maybe they think if they scream it loud enough people will understand them. The lime-green dye had faded a bit, and some pink showed through, it looked like someone ate lots of salad and some pork before spewing it onto her head.

God, I'll never get women. They're way to complicated. Guys are much easier to predict and understand. I turn around and watch in amusement as Iruka practically whacks the boy repeatedly with his ruler.

**Kyuubi POV **

Damnit, I wonder why I even decided to take art. Teach was always flitting (yes, flitting.) around the room and declaring weird things like, "Art is like poetry!" or "Art is the soul of expression!" I had thought that Art would be an easy 'A' but apparently not. Just yesterday I was approached and said I needed to put my soul into my art or else I would only get a big fat F on my report card.

I don't like F's; they don't really have a….pretty shape. So I must pull up my grade with a heart wrenching art peace for the Art Fair and Festival coming up after the semester break (thank god I'll be able to switch classes, Jesus). I stare at the blank paper….and then it just comes to me!

I pick up my brush and close my eyes and I begin to paint. I paint until class ends, Teach comes over and stares at my painting critically. She nods and hums, before speaking in a wise voice, "I see what you're trying to get across." I nod, "You….do?" I ask uncertainly, I don't even know there was supposed to be a point! "Yes, I like how you blended all of the colors together to make this round circle. It really symbolizes how the world is slowly blending together, blending cultures." "I am so glad you understand!" I exclaim, because I don't, really, I don't understand it myself. She pats my arm, "I am so glad you have found your inner muse, listen to this muse, it will guide you through the wonderful art that is life."

Er…okay. I take my hand back and wave to her as I exit, "I'll remember that, muse, life, art, see you!"

**Naruto POV **

Finally, the bell has rung; we didn't do our test, mainly because Iruka never told us to start. He spent the whole period venting on the poor guy who raised his hand. I honestly do feel sorry for him. That's when I saw Haku, "HAKU!" I wave and yell. Haku pales and starts to walk faster. I frown; I wonder why Haku seems scared. Whoever made Haku scared is going to pay though. I clench my fists, and stubbornly walk off, my tail flickering back and forth in annoyance.

In the halls I catch up with Gaara briefly before heading off to my next class….before I bump into someone rather forcibly. I immediately stand back up and point an accusing finger at the person I bumped into, "YOU!!!!" I scream. "Maa, how troublesome." The guy yawns again. Why is it whenever I bump into someone it's always him! Stupid laxy-ass no good…wait, is he wearing cologne?

I sniff the air and move closer to Shikamaru. Yes, he is definitely wearing cologne. My mouth opens in shock. Shikamaru stares at me. "So this woman aphrodisiac _does_ work!" I glare at him, "I may not know what an aphrodisiac is, but trust me when I say it isn't working!" "Since you don't know what it is how do you know it's not working." Shikamaru leans in and makes an odd gesture with his hands. "Here, breathe it all in!"

BAM!

I place a knee directly into Shikamaru's groin-ish area. Yes, that's right, cry like a nancy-boy! I cackle insanely before running off.

Okay, maybe to you, I might seem crazy, but I swear I'm not…stop looking at me like that.

**Sakura POV **

I glide gracefully down the hall until I see my Sasuke-kun. I move next to him and blush at him, "SASUK3 IMM SO EXCIETD ABOUT DA DANC3 I STIL CANT BLEIV3 U ASK3D M3 I M3AN I USUALY DONT RILLY THINK IMM PRATY!11!1!111 OMG" Sasuke winces, probably in pain at my confession. Now he'll take me into his arms, swing me around before kissing me upon my lips and pushing back my hair.

"_Sakura, don't ever say that about yourself again!" He'll declare tragically. I'll blush again prettily, "BUT ITS TRUA IMM NOT PRATY I DONT KNOW Y U HAEV SUCH AN INT3RAST IN MA!11!!11 LOL" "Sakura, trust me when I say that no man can resist you, I'll always love you forever and ever!" He'll say passionately, then he'll pull me into the closet and we'll make sweet, sweet, love. _

I come back from my prediction to find that Sasuke has left, he's so classy, and I bet he thought of it too, he just wanted to protect my virtue from himself!

**Sasuke POV **

Sakura is trying to be sweet and hinting, but she ends up bursting my eardrums and then she gets this really creepy glaze thing in which I just know that she's just thinking of some very creepy fantasy in which I sweep her off of her feet and twirl her in the air or something. Honestly, that's the one thing I'll never do ever.

Even if I want too, I wouldn't be able to do it without breaking both of my arms. I shudder, and if I had stayed and refused, she would've hung onto me and cried. With snot and everything, so of course I leave.

For the sake of my sanity…er, or what's left of it anyway.

**TA-DAAA? **

**Please don't throw stuff at me unless it's edible and sweet. :( **

**Sakura: honestly? You hate me that much? **

**Tarra: No…I just…I just…don't like you that much. –cough- **

**-Tarra **


	13. Dancing Queen

**99 Point 9 Percent Guaranteed **

**By: xxtarragonxx **

**Warning: A **_**bit**_** of ITAIRU in this chapter. (; Don't worry, there's no smut…at all xD **

**Disclaimer: Once again, me=own nothing except humor & plot.**

**AN: PRETTY NACHO HELPED ME WITH THIS CHAPTER (especially Itachi's POV…;D) LET'S JUST SAY THAT AFTER READING THIS CHAPTER THERE WILL BE ONE IMAGE STUCK IN YOUR HEAD….FOR A LONG TIME. **

**NARUTO POV **

So okay, yeah, I skipped detention…big deal…right? Besides, Iruka was all totally for it. He is still in his "MEN SUX WOMEN RULZ" phase of the break-up between him and Kakashi. He also said he would cover for me, so I'm not worrying at the moment. I did not have to worry at all about my poor innocent guardian alone with a scary professor who's the older brother of Sasuke, who also kissed me…Nope, not worrying here, no sir! I close my eyes and gently drift off to sleep.

"_Naruto couldn't come to detention because…I'm sick and she's going to take care of me!" Iruka says defiantly, crossing his arms, glaring at the intimidating __**MAN**__ in front of him. "Iruka-san, if you are sick, then why are you here?" Iruka's mouth drops open, before narrowing his eyes even more and spinning around, "Bah, you men always think you know everything don't you?" Suddenly a warm breath tingles against Iruka's ear. "Why don't you prove me wrong, Iruka-san?" Iruka spins around and almost collides with the muscular chest of Itachi. Iruka's eyes widen as Itachi leans closer and whispers, "Well Iruka-san?" He places a broad hand on Iruka's small shoulder. "No…" Iruka whispers as Itachi leans even closer, and closer, and closer. Iruka is now backed into a corner with no way out. Suddenly a scream tears through the room. Itachi is flung across the room in a blast of awesome cosmic energy. Iruka growls angrily advancing towards Itachi step by step. Itachi cowers in fear as Iruka towers over him. "Time to prove you wrong, Itachi-san!" Iruka cackles insanely as he lifts Itachi of the ground. "NO IRUKA-SAN, PLEASE, NOT THE CRUNCHER!" Iruka laughs again and slams Itachi into the wall, breaking ten bones in the process (and leaving a big ass dent in the wall). "WAHAHAHAHAHA!" Iruka shrieks as he tears off Itachi's arms with his bare hands. Blood spurted out of Itachi's arm stumps and he screams as Iruka reaches for his head. "No, please, I beg of you-ahhh!!!" Iruka jerks off his head and slowly begins to devour the brains. He then turns around with the brain half-chewed, spilling out of his mouth and screams, "NARUTO!" _

"What?!" I jump up, my eyes wide open. I turn and see Kyuubi there, grinning and waving. I groan and collapse. "Jesus Kyuubi, you shook me awake from the most amazing dream! There was action, and drama, and everything! God, I hate you!" Kyuubi bows, "Glad to do you a favor." I growl and through a random book at him. "How did you get into my house anyway?" "I materialized through the walls, oooh!" Kyuubi says, waving his fingers in a supposedly spooky manner. I roll my eyes, "Kyuu, you're a DOUCHE BAG." "Ow, my pride." Kyuubi exclaims, holding his hand over his heart, "You pain me so my dear Fishcake!" "God, what do you want anyway?" "…I don't know, actually." "ASDLMQ)#$21!)#*%M!!!!" "…same to you?"

**ITACHI POV **

So it turns out that Uzumaki-san had a bad lunch and had to skip out on detention to erm, sit on the toilet. It doesn't really matter anyway, no matter how adorable the girl, I always enjoy some alone time. I lock my classroom door and block every window. No one can know my secret. I open the drawer and take out the box and close my eyes. What I'm about to do is probably illegal, but it gives me such a thrill. Slowly I take out the contents of the box and pop the CD into the stereo. I then undress until I'm standing in all of my naked glory. **(AN: ho' snap.) **

I press the play button the stereo and the song comes on.

_  
You can dance,  
You can jive!  
Having the time of your life!  
Oooooh  
See that girl,  
Watch that scene,  
Diggin' the dancing queen. _

_Friday nights and the lights are low…  
Looking out for a place to go  
Mm, where they play the right music,  
Getting in the swing,  
You come to look for a King.  
Anybody could be that guy!  
Night is young and the music's high…  
_

I prance around the room, swinging my head everywhere. The awesome tunes of ABBA lead me into a complicated dance. I shake my butt as the chorus comes on.

_You are the dancing queen!  
Young and sweet,  
Only seventeen!  
Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine  
Oh yeah. _

I begin to work up a sweat as the song continues and when the song ends I take in the deep breath and let it all out, I feel as if I'm about to die, but I also feel so energized! Like I can do anything! I am THE Dancing Queen. Nothing can stop my hips! I could cha-cha down the hall right now as I am and nothing would be able to touch me! I twirl around, freeing my hair from its usual ponytail and I shake it out and begin to dance again as the next song comes on.

_No matter how hard I try  
You keep pushing me aside  
And I can't break through,  
There's no talking to you. _

I nod my head, getting the beat, before beginning to dance again. I push student's desks out of the way as I kick my legs and punch the air.

_Do you believe in life after love? _

Whoo! I picture I am in an open field, just dancing there with Cher singing in a tree to me as I dance for her. I shimmy down the aisles, posing every few desks.

**SASUKE POV **

Kisame, Itachi's childhood friend walks up to me. "Hey brat, where's Itachi?" I shrug, like hell I know. "I don't know, maybe dancing naked to Cher and ABBA." Kisame barks out a laugh, "Hah, you're funny kid, men don't do that type of stuff.

**ITACHI POV **

I sneeze rather ferociously and I am suddenly off beat. Anger floods through me. With a scream I turn off the stereo and begin to dress. Whoever broke my dance roll is going to get it. How about they try to dance while I make them sneeze? I cackle while I dress. I stow away and clean up all evidence of my dirty deed and calmly walk out of my classroom. However, I was stopped by Professor Kurenai. "Hello Kurenai-san, how can I help you?" Kurenai shook her head, "Nothing, I just thought I heard ABBA playing down the hall a moment ago." I glance around, "I didn't hear anything." "Oh, alright, must be in my head." "Have a good evening."

Yes, no one will ever discover my secret. Except for Uzumaki. And that's only if she wants to know my secret. I straighten my tie (even though it's probably already straight) and make my way towards my car.

**NARUTO POV **

I laugh as I own Kyuubi once again. "Haha, I've got skills you just can't beat!" I jeer as he bows his head in shame once more. We are currently playing **Castlevania Judgment** on my Wii and I was kicking his ass. "It's not my fault, I bet this Wii Remote isn't like, hooked up right or something." He whines. "Fine then, let's switch." We switch remotes and choose our characters once more. The battle begins. I swing my remote softly, with calculated smooth moves. Kyuubi swings his remote like a barbarian, yelling and screaming. I grin as the K.O. once again flashes across the screen. "DAMN IT!" Kyuubi yells. He throws down the remote and walks out of the door. I just shrug and put the Wii away. Iruka comes in shortly after Kyuubi had blundered out. "Hey Naruto, what was a boy doing in our house?" I smile sweetly at my guardian, "Oh nothing, I just kicked his butt at video games. So he got mad and left." Iruka scoffed, "Just like a man, when things get tough, pack your bags and move on." "Tell like it is sister, tell it like it is! Want to play?" I ask pointing to the Wii. "Sure, why not?"

Pretty soon I am once again engaged in slaughter, blood, and guts. However, for some reason a picture of Itachi-teme dancing naked popped into my mind and I blinked. This gave Iruka the upper hand to defeat my character. Iruka smirks at me. I shake my head, "Iruka, all of a sudden I have a headache, I'm going to go lie down." Iruka frowns with worry and nods his assent, "Go right ahead dear."

* * *

**That's the image I want to be stuck in your head. A naked Itachi prancing around the classroom to ABBA. Do your eye burn yet? Do they? **

**ANYWAY, review, after ten reviews I'll begin typing the next chapter. **

**I also want to thank everyone who's stuck with this piece of crap story for almost two years now. XD Two years, twelve chapters. **

**And because she helped me with this chapter, I am obligated to do this: Please take a look at Pretty Nacho's story Pranksterz. It is a Fem!Naru story that is rather funny. Review because she just started and needs the inspiration! /~prettynacho **

**THANKS BUNCHES. :D **

**-Tarra **


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